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Seras: The following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release.

[scene takes place in a hallway filled with half-eaten corpses as Nazis take their time finishing their meal]

Nazi soldier: Gruber?

Gruber: Hm?

Nazi soldier: Are ve bad people?

Gruber: [swallow] It's a matter of perspective, really.

Nazi soldier: From zese mens' perspective?

Gruber: Oh, absolutely! But to be fair, I zink we tipped that Jenga tower by being Nazis in ze first place.

Nazi soldier: Ja, ja. I guess ze whole "eating zem" is just salt on ze wound.

Gruber: Augh, don't say salt to me; zese mercs are so bland! They could use a li- [headshot]

Seras: [screams as she guns down the rest of the Nazis] How's that for some salt!? [silence, then grunts in frustration] Goddammit! What's the point of coming up with all these one-liners if'n they're all dead when I say 'em?

Other Nazi soldier: To be fair, it vasn't really zat funny to begin with!

Seras: [shoots into floor and kills him] It's a matter of perspective, really.

[series logo appears, with lots and lots of mutilated corpses behind it]

Bernadotte: [over the radio] B-Wing, what's your location?

Miller: HR Department!

Bernadotte: And your status?

Miller: [gunshots] You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?

Bernadotte: [turns to one of his men] Jaffe, I could use your expertise!

Jaffe: Hey, FUCK YOU man!

Bernadotte: Read ze room! So... I'm guessing you're in some shit?

Miller: I just saw a man's face get eaten! One bite! Like that asshole owl with a fucking Tootsie Pop, man!

Dying Wild Geese Grunt: How many licks did it take? [Choking laughter]

Bernadotte: Just hold out, ze police girl is on her way.

Miller: Sir... I'm not going to lie to you. We're pinned here, all my men are dead or dying, and I'm running out of bullets.

Bernadotte: Miller... It was a honor serving with you.

[heart-felt silence....then]

Miller: What the fuck?!

Bernadotte: What?

Miller: What's that cheap shit? You're not going to tell me to fall back or fight through?

Bernadotte: Well, I-I mean, can you?

Miller: Of fucking course not!!

Bernadotte: Well zen why zee fuck would I say it!?

Miller: It's a cliche dammit! And a good goddamn one at that!

Bernadotte: Fine fine, whatever, ok, sure. [clears throat] Don't you fucking give me zat, Miller! Fall back and make it-

Miller: No, No, it's-it's ruined, it's disingenuous.

Bernadotte: It was always going to be disingenuous!

Miller: Well, so is what's coming next! [takes out his earpiece]

Bernadotte: [sarcasticaly] Wait, no, Miller, choose life...

Miller: COME AND GET ME, YOU BLOOD-CHUGGIN' COCKHOLES!!!

[Zorin uses her illusionary powers, trapping Miller in a nice looking room]

Miller: What the fuck?

Little Girl: Daddy! It's me daddy! Welcome home!

Miller: You're not my daughter...

Little Girl: Of course I am daddy! I-

Miller: No, seriously, I got a vasectomy right out of high school.

Little Girl: I meant... I'm your niece!

Miller: Nope, I'm a only child.

[the little girl disappears, transforming into Sonic the Hedgehog with a foot long erection. (wtf?) Miller drops his rifle in awe]

Sonic: I've been waiting for you, Miller.

[Miller hugs Sonic, only to suddenly be sliced in two by Zorin's scythe]

Zorin: Real quick, does anyone vant to explain what ve just vitnessed?

Nazi Soldier: Uh I think that was Zonic ze Hedgehog from the Zonic ze Hedgehog franchise by Sega.

Zorin: Ok, but, vy did it have a foot long erection?

Nazi Soldier: The fanbase is... diverse.

Zorin: You mean fucking vierd.

Nazi Soldier: It's a matter of perspective, really.

Jaffe: [Offscreen]: No one else is going to say it. Fine! I fucking will!

[Cuts to inside safe room]

Jaffe: I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!

Grunt: Really Jaffe?

Jaffe: Yes really, because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so god-damn serious! Like there's something missing!

Grunt: Hey, we're doing pretty ok without him. It's our time to shine, you know?

Jaffe: DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking suck and no one likes us!

Bernadotte: So, ok. Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink, and gobble his cock. You want to sit back and whimper like the little pre-school bitch you are? Go ahead! But Alucard isn't here. He's on a FUCKING boat, and zhere's not a GOD DAMN thing we can do about it! So do some fucking soul searching or locate zhe shattered remains of your testicles, and hope, like always, that zhe girl comes first before zhat barricade gives way and you're made into the world's whiniest Lunchable!

Jaffe: Oh, oh, right, the police girl. Where the metaphorical FUCK IS SHE!?!

[We then see Seras in the now destroyed human resources department.]

Seras: [In thought] Welp, looks like Human Resources has been "processed". I'd feel worse about that if they did ANYTHING about all the sexual harrassment. Yeah, you'd think ALUCARD was the worst offender...

[Flashback]

Integra: [In a voice that sounds mildly... RAPEY] Hello.... Police Girl.

Seras: [Unspeakably uncomfortable] ...S'up?

[Meanwhile, with the remainder of the Flying Geese...]

Willingham: Not like you to have a girl clean up your mess, sir.

Bernadotte: Ha! You're not wrong, Willingham! But even with all zese men, zis isn't zee kind of load we can handle on our own.

[Sweeping shot of the gravely injured Geese...]

Bernadotte: HOPEFULLY, zose assholes are out of rockets.

[To quote a line from the earlier episode: TRY NOT TO CHOKE ON YOUR FUCKING FOOT.]

Panzer Grunt: Ma'am! Ve have an ABUNDANCE of rockets! Shall ve bombard zem?

Zorin: Oh, Nein. I vant to see how zis... PANZERS out?

Panzer Grunt: Oh? [A quick beat] OHHHH!

Zorin: Oh?

Panzer Grunt: [Setting up Panzerfaust] Ooooh-ho-ho-ho-ho! [Sigh] And zey say ve Germans can't be funny! Ah...

[FIRE!! The room is decimated! A Wilhelm scream is heard!]

???: Come on! Move it! Move it!

Bernadotte: [Standing up from the rubble, grunting] Ze LEAST zose fuckers could do is give us some WARNING before they pull it out and blow it all over our backsides!

[He grunts in pain, and we see a large splinter of wood in his midsection, causing him to bleed badly.]

Bernadotte: And now, zis wood is gonna give me a LIMP... like usual. Willingham! Can you take care of zis for me--

[He gasps in shock to see his gravely injured ally!]

Willingham: [Weakly] Can ya bring it over here?

[We see his right arm has been destroyed, his lower body completely gone... he is NOT long for this world.]

Bernadotte: WILLINGHAM! No... SHIT!!

[He runs over, as Willingham lets out a pained wretch...]

Willingham: How's it look...?

Bernadotte: Probably how it FEELS.

Willingham: I'm imagining crushed raspberries.

Bernadotte: Yeah, zat's about right.

Willingham: Captain.... listen... there's one thing I need to say before I die...

Bernadotte: What is it, Willingham? My friend? MY BROZHER!?

Willingham: YOU FUCKIN' SUCK AT PICKING OUR CONTRACTS!

[And Willingham expires.]

Bernadotte: Au revoir.... mon cul favori. <Goodbye, my favorite asshole.>

Tony: Hey God!? It's me, Tony! If only one of us makes it out of here alive, PLEASE let it be me!

Andy: Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. FUCK Tony!

Panzer Grunt: I zink I'm going to fire zis vone at.... TONY.

Zorin: Yes... FUCK. ZEM. ALL!

[The soldier prepares to fire... but...]

Panzer Grunt: Oh you're KIDDING me, it's jammed! [Sigh] Oh, zis is embarrazzing-

[And he's interrupted by a hail of bullets courtesy of Seras and the Harkonnen II! Nazis are mulched badly!]

Bernadotte: THROW YOUR HANDS UP, GENTLEMEN! THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED!

Soldiers: Yaaaaaay....

[Seras strides in, as we see the massive damage she inflicted...]

Dying Nazi: OH GOD, SHE SHOT ME IN THE AAAAAASS!!

[Zorin is NOT impressed.]

Zorin: Vell vell vell... if it isn't ze loyal POLICE GIRL.

[Seras unstraps the Harkonnen II with an audiable bounce sound...]

Seras: Alright, you know GOD DAMN WELL what my name is!!

Zorin: You're right, I do...

[Zorin then sets up to use her illusionary powers!]

Zorin: But zere's so much more I vant to LEARN!!!

[Zorin slams her hand down, causing Seras to relive various memories. First, her attempt to join the London Metropolitan Police...]

Police Chief: I see... so you're looking to become a police officer? Not surprising, given what happened to your family.

Zorin: Ah... I see, did something happen to mommy and daddy? LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

[Zorin probes deeper, to the point where she was being disciplined by her orphanage's headmaster and nun...]

Headmaster: The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye, with a pencil.

Young Seras: I'll stab your mother in the CUNT!

Headmaster: Young lady, how do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behavior?

Young Seras: I don't WANT to be adopted... I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!!

[Zorin is CLEARLY enjoying herself.]

Zorin: An ORPHANAGE? Oh, zis is getting even BETTER! Let's just dig into those repressed memories and perhaps ve'll...

[Flash to... um... Seras drinking blood from Integra's finger in a very... um... sexual manner. Seriously, WTF.]

Zorin: Um... zis... needs... context. Let's keep moving.

[And finally, Zorin strikes paydirt. The most TRAUMATIC memories Seras has...]

Seras' Mother: Seras, hide in here... and absolutely do NOT come out.

[Seras is in a closet, as she whimpers, scared beyond all reason. Then, we hear pottery breaking and two gunshots. We then hear a pair of cockney voices as the door slowly creaks open.]

Sigmund: Now look wot ya gone 'n done! Ya skipped the process!

Freud: Wot process?

Sigmund: The standard process of breakin' an' enterin'! You're supposed ta shoot the husband, rape the wife, THEN shoot the wife! You gone and shot the husband, then shot the wife!

Freud: Don't mean nothin'.

Sigmund: Course it does! Now we can't rape her!

Freud: I beg to differ. Body's still warm.

[Contributer's note, WHAT THE FUCK!?]

Sigmund: C'mon now, mate, gotta 'ave standards! I know we're shootin' an' rapin', but Necrophilia is a step too far!

Freud: If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't ya perform a 5-point room scan?

[Seras has stepped out of the closet, during this disturbing convo, and charges, screaming, and stabs Freud in the eye with either a fork or a spoon, I couldn't tell!]

Freud: BUGGER ALL!!

Sigmund: Right!

[Sigmund shoots Seras in the midsection, sending her to the ground!]

Sigmund: My fault, I'll take responsibility for that one! This is wot happens when ya don't perform a 5-point room scan!

Freud: Yeah, alright. So, you get to the 5-point room scan, an' I'll get to the rapin'.

Sigmund: Steady on!

[The flashbacks end, and Seras is traumatized, much to Zorin's enjoyment.]

Zorin: Awww... ze poor little Police Girl has such a burden on her shoulders...

[She positions her scythe under Seras' left arm...]

Zorin: Let me help you take SOME OF ZE VEIGHT OFF!!

[SLICE! Seras screams in agony!]

Zorin: You're not even a DECENT GUARD DOG!

[Sera is STABBED through the back, the scythe popping out of her chest, then yanked out!)

Zorin: You're just pet of a pet...

[And she places the scythe near Seras' eyes...]

Zorin: A stupid, BIG-TITTIED POLICE GIRL!!!

[SLICE!! And MORE Agonized screaming!]

Zorin: Zen again, it's a matter of PERSPECTIVE, really!

[She laughs, prepared to deal the finishing blow, then...]

Bernadotte: VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!

[He strikes Zorin with the butt of his rifle!]

Bernadotte: IT'S FRENCH FOR "FUCK OFF!"

[Actually, Va te faire foutre is French for "Kiss my ass." But it's a matter of perspective, really. Anyway, Bernadotte unloads his revolver, and knocks Zorin down, as his men throw smoke grenades.]

Flying Goose 1: CAPTAIN! LET'S MOVE!

Flying Goose 2: GRAB THE GIRL AND GO!!

Bernadotte: Sure, leave zhe 130 pound body to zhe guy with zhe GUT WOUND.

[He puts her in a fireman's carry...]

Bernadotte: Je suis las idiotes parton... <I am girt by idiots!> [If anyone can provide a better translation, please do.]

Seras: After the arm, I-I think it's about 105...

Bernadotte: And ze blood loss. Ugh... something I could do with a lot less right now. [In thought] Alright, Pip... keep it together! One foot in front of ze other! You've got ze girl, you've got your men, you've got a way OUT OF ZIS LIVING HELL--

[Unfortunately, he is stabbed in the spine by Zorin!]

Zorin: Vait your turn... I vasn't done PLAYING VITH THAT YET!!

Jaffe: Holy shit! CAPTAIN, THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!!

Flying Goose: Jaffe, why the fuck do I have to die with you?

Seras: Cap'n Bernadotte... what was that stabbing noise? An' that blood drippin' noise? An' that body hittin' the wall noise?

[Pip props himself on the wall...]

Seras: I'm blind, so I could really use a play by play...

Bernadotte: I'm sorry, mon cher. Ez not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied... but it seems I just didn't have it in me zis time.

Seras: Don't worry, i-it happens to guys all the time... heh...

Bernadotte: But at least zey can tell you, mon cher... it was good for me.

[He lights a cigarette... what may be his LAST cigarette.]

Seras: Mr. Bernadotte? Pip!? PIP!!

[She rushes up... as soft piano begins to play... and Pip and Seras have their first kiss... AND his last.]

Jaffe: Aw...

Flying Goose: That's sweet...

[They break the kiss, leaving a sort of bridge of blood...]

Bernadotte: Next time, maybe I'll get past first base!

[He laughs, then hacks and coughs, worrying Seras....]

Bernadotte: Eh, fat chance... you're far too fine a wine... for a lout... like... me.

[And Pip dies. Seras crawls onto his body, in an attempt to "awaken" him.]

Seras: Pip? Pip?! Please get up! No... C-come on... No, come on! I-I-I CAN'T do this alone! [In thought] Master! Master, I need you here! I'm too weak for this! I'm too stupid for this! I can't do this! I-I'm not a real vampire! I'm barely even a human! MASTER!! WHAT DO I DO!?! WHAT DO I DO!?!?!

[We cut to black... then we see a door, as it opens... and we see the Penthouse in Brazil...]

Seras: Uh....

Alucard: You rang?

Seras: Master... everything's falling apart...

Alucard: Shit, you're right! You should REALLY get on that!

Seras: Pip... Pip's dead... because of me... EVERYONE'S DEAD... BECAUSE I WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH!

Alucard: Oh, so this is MY fault, then.

[Flash, and we're in Alucard's chambers.]

Seras: What? N-no!

Alucard: EVERYTHING is my fault apparently. Ate the last spotted dick pudding in the fridge? My fault. Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen? My fault. Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand, and blamed it on some other guy? Ohhh, MY FAULT!

Seras: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!

[Flash, and we're in the hospital in Ireland where we first met Alexander Anderson...]

Seras: Zorin, Pip, the Flying Geese, they were MY responsibility!

Alucard: But I chose you. Are you saying I made the wrong choice? Because I don't make wrong choices... I MAKE INVESTMENTS.

Seras: I'm sayin' I FAILED YOU! I FAILED EVERYONE!!

Alucard: The only way you FAIL is by giving up.

[Flash, and once again we are in the Hellsing Manor, as Seras pleads!]

Seras: I GIVE UP, BECAUSE I'M NOT STRONG ENOUG-

Alucard: LISTEN TO ME, DRACULINA!! You are so much stronger than you let yourself be!

Seras: 'OW DO YOU KNOW!?

Alucard: Because behind those eyes... I saw something I lost long ago. THE WILL TO LIVE. Now... STOP RUNNING FROM WHO YOU ARE. CONFRONT IT. EMBRACE IT! AND GO FOR ITS FUCKING THROAT!!

[We then see Seras preparing to bite into the dead Pip's neck, her teeth becoming sharp...]

Alucard: LIKE A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!!!

[And go for the throat she does... she drinks his blood, as the spilled fluid begins swirling around her, turning her uniform a bloody crimson, and her missing arm is replaced with a miasma of shadow... then... her eyes open, revealing they're now the bloody red of her Bloodrages... now... she is a TRUE VAMPIRE. The illusion Zorin cast soon shatters...]

Zorin: Zat look! HOW!? I CUT OUT YOUR EYES! HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE ZAT!?

Seras: "FUCK YOU," THAT'S HOW!

[Zorin looks frightened!]

Seras: Zorin, was it? L-listen, Zorin... this whole fuckin' place... is MY house. you ain't the queen vampire bitch 'ere! I AM!! And you know what we Brits always say...

[Cue "Living Dead Girl."]

Seras: GOD. SAVE. THE QUEEN.

[The Nazis try to gun her down! But she moves deftly, and begins slicing them up, using her new shadowy arm! Zorin is understandably unnerved!]

Zorin: [In thought] She's like a fuckin' blender... turning my men into paste! A GERMAN BLOODY MARY! VY DIDN'T VE KNOW ABOUT ZIS!? VY DIDN'T ANYVONE DO PROPER RECONNAISANCE!?

[And the realization hits her, as Seras slams her to the floor!)

Zorin: [In thought] Oh, Fick mich. <Oh, fuck me.>

[Seras has Zorin's face in a death grip!]

Seras: SAY MY NAME, YOU NAZI BITCH!!!

[Zorin tries to punch her, but Seras bites down, removing her fingers, and spitting them out! She then slams Zorin's head against the wall, and begins dragging it across as she shouts!]

Seras: I SAID SAY MY FUCKIN' NAME!!! SAY IT!!! SAY IIIIIIIIIT!!!

Zorin: SEEEEEEERAAAAAAAAAS.... VICTORIAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

(And Zorin's head is destroyed! She lays on the floor, as she bursts into blue flames... Seras then turns her back and walks away...)

Seras: And don't you FUCKIN' forget it.

[LOGO!]

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