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Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 7 Transcript

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Seras: The following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release.

[scene takes place in a hallway filled with half-eaten corpses as Nazis take their time finishing their meal]

Nazi soldier: Gruber?

Gruber: Hm?

Nazi soldier: Are ve bad people?

Gruber: [swallow] It's a matter of perspective, really.

Nazi soldier: From zese men's perspective?

Gruber: Oh, absolutely! But to be fair, I zink we tipped that janga tower by being Nazis in ze first place.

Nazi soldier: Ja, ja. I guess ze whole "eating zem" is just salt on ze wound.

Gruber: Auch, don't say salt to me; Zese mercs are so bland! They could use a li- [headshot]

Seras: [screams as she guns down the rest of the Nazis] How's that for some salt!? [silence, then grunts in frustration] Goddammit! What's the point of coming up with all these one-liners if'n they're all dead when I say 'em?

Other Nazi soldier: To be fair, it vasn't really zat funny to begin with!

Seras: [shoots into floor and kills him] It's a matter of perspective, really.

[series logo appears, with lots and lots of mutilated corpses behind it]

Bernadotte: [over the radio] B-Wing, what's your location?

Miller: HR Department!

Bernadotte: And your status?

Miller: [gunshots] You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?

Bernadotte: [turns to one of his men] Jaffe, I could use your expertise!

Jaffe: Hey, FUCK YOU man!

Bernadotte: Read ze room! So... I'm guessing you're in some shit?

Miller: I just saw a man's face get eaten! One bite! Like that asshole owl with a fucking Tootsie Pop, man!

Dying Wild Geese Grunt: How many licks did it take? [Choking laughter]

Bernadotte: Just hold out, ze police girl is on her way.

Miller: Sir... I'm not going to lie to you. We're pinned here, all my men are dead or dying, and I'm running out of bullets.

Bernadotte: Miller... It was a honor serving with you.

[heart-felt silence....then]

Miller: What the fuck?!

Bernadotte: What?

Miller: What's that cheap shit? You're not going to tell me to fall back or fight through?

Bernadotte: Well, I-I mean, can you?

Miller: Of fucking course not!!

Bernadotte: Well zen why zee fuck would I say it!?

Miller: It's a cliche dammit! And a good goddamn one at that!

Bernadotte: Fine fine, whatever, ok, sure. [clears throat] Don't you fucking give me zat, Miller! Fall back and make it-

Miller: No, No, it's-it's ruined, it's disingenuous.

Bernadotte: It was always going to be disingenuous!

Miller: Well, so is what's coming next! [takes out his earpiece]

Bernadotte: [sarcasticaly] Wait, no, Miller, choose life...


[Zorin uses her illusionary powers, trapping Miller in a nice looking room]

Miller: What the fuck?

Little Girl: Daddy! It's me daddy! Welcome home!

Miller: You're not my daughter...

Little Girl: Of course I am daddy! I-

Miller: No, seriously, I got a vasectomy right out of high school.

Little Girl: I meant... I'm your niece!

Miller: Nope, I'm a only child.

[the little girl disappears, transforming into Sonic the Hedgehog with a foot long erection. (wtf?) Miller drops his rifle in awe]

Sonic: I've been waiting for you, Miller.

[Miller hugs Sonic, only to suddenly be sliced in two by Zorin's scythe]

Zorin: Real quick, does anyone vant to explain what ve just vitnessed?

Nazi Soldier: Uh I think that was Zonic ze Hedgehog from the Zonic ze Hedgehog franchise by Sega.

Zorin: Ok, but, vy did it have a foot long erection?

Nazi Soldier: The fanbase is... diverse.

Zorin: You mean fucking vierd.

Nazi Soldier: It's a matter of perspective, really.

Jaffe: [Offscreen]: No one else is going to say it. Fine! I fucking will!

[Cuts to inside safe room]

Jaffe: I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!

Grunt: Really Jaffe?

Jaffe: Yes really, because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so god-damn serious! Like there's something missing!

Grunt: Hey, we're doing pretty ok without him. It's our time to shine, you know?

Jaffe: DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking suck and no one likes us!

Bernadotte: So, ok. Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink, and gobble his cock. You want to sit back and whimper like the little pre-school bitch you are? Go ahead! But Alucard isn't here. He's on a FUCKING boat, and zhere's not a GOD DAMN thing we can do about it! So do some fucking soul searching or locate zhe shattered remains of your testicles, and hope, like always, that zhe girl comes first before zhat barricade gives way and you're made into the world's whiniest Lunchable!

Jaffe: Oh, oh, right, the police girl. Where the metaphorical FUCK IS SHE!?!

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