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Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 06 - TeamFourStar16:53

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 06 - TeamFourStar

Episode Name Hellsing Ultimate Abridged 6
Followed By Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 7 Transcript

(Upcoming)

Preceded By Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 5 Transcript
Created By TeamFourStar

Video Transcript Edit

Pip Bernadotte: Ze following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and is licenced by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support ze official release.

Nazi: Please, no! I'll worship your Go-

Alexander Anderson: [kills him with his bayonet] Ha!

Heinkel Wolfe: I zhink zat was ze last one. Good zhing, too. I fear you're running out of bayonets.

Anderson: Care to correct yourself?

Heinkel: [empties guns] S-sorry, sir! You have bayonets for days!

Anderson: Bayonets for days.

Father D'Giorno: Father Anderson, I believe I speak for all of us when I ask: Why did we go out of our way to save this... [camera points at Integra] Erh...

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Woman.

D'Giorno: I didn't want to assume.

Integra: I was actually wondering that myself. Alucard would have left Maxwell to die. Probably after putting a bullet in his leg.

Anderson: I am a man of three things: God, virtue, and disobeying that tramp Maxwell when it suits me! And if I'd let the woman die, I'd have been none of the three!

Integra: Wait, so... you just defy your master's orders on a whim?

Anderson: [cheerfully] Aye!

Integra: ...Good God, it's strange to see this from the outside.

[series logo appears, behind it flies a zeppelin and a scene goes to the bridge/command center inside]

Captain: Lieutenant Zorin Blitz, ve are just outside ze Hellsing perimeter. Ve shall maintain zhis position as ve observe- [interrupted by Zorin]

Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: No! All hands to battle stations.

Captain: But... Ma'am... Our orders-

Zorin: I have been vaiting for zhis var for over fifty years. I have been given veapons, men, AND a target. I vill not be cockblocked to the point of entry by that little blond toad! I... no, VE vill get vhat ve have coming to us. Now Captain, launch ze V-1s!

Captain: [with a dramatic delay] Yes ma'am! [launches the V-1s]

[V-1s get shot and explode]

Zorin: [shocked, cigarette falls out of her mouth] Status report! ANYONE!

Helmsman: Vell, uh, ze V-1s launched. And zhen zey blew up! But not vhere zhey were supposed to! Like, vay too soon!

Zorin: I CAN SEE ZAT! VHY!?

Captain: Reports say it's sniper fire!

Zorin: Kilometers avay? YOU ARE USELESS! GET ME A FUCKING VISUAL!

[Searchlights shown over the Hellsing HQ and the zeppelin crew react shocked at the sight of Seras and her Harkonnen II]

Zorin: [lets out a frustration grunt]

[The camera changes to the Hellsing control room, where Pip Bernadotte is sitting and smoking a cigarette]

Pip Bernadotte: Twenty four out of twenty four, ma chère. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere.

Police Girl: Actually, if you wouldn't mind Mr. Bernadotte, my name is Seras Victoria.

Pip: How peculiar! I was under ze impression by ze rest of ze staff zat your name was "Police Girl."

Police Girl: [brief pause] You know what? [sighs] Fine, "Ma chère" it is. Just pay attention for any possible incoming-

Pip: So, ma chère, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Police Girl: Y-You're serious...

Pip: Come now, we know so little about one another. And let's be honest, zis may be ze last chance we get to share. So ma chère, what is it like growing up in England?

[Seras gets flashbacks of the brutal murder of her parents]

Police Girl: [bluntly] I grew up in Leeds... Nothing happened.

Pip: Sounds boring.

Police Girl: YES... it was. [sighs] How about you?

Pip: Oh, ummm, in ze french countryside, with my-

[Flashback to a cottage in the woods.]

Young Pip: Grand-père... Is it true? [sobs] Is it true what the children in school say? Zat you are mercenary? Zat you kill people?

Pip's Grand-père: Oh, little Pip. It is much more zhan "killing people". It has many complicated facets. I once helped topple a fascist Souz African government in a week. I mean, it was replaced by anozer in two, but I still got paid.

Young Pip: But Grand-père! My fellow school children only taunt and bully me for it!

Grand-père: Wait, quoi? How are you not ze coolest kid in school? Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it zat son of ze butcher, Jean Paul? Perhaps zat little piggy shall find a grenade in his lunch box, so when he opens it, it pulls ze pin.

Young Pip: Please do not kill my fwiends...

Grand-père: Oh, mon cher petit-fils~ I'm not going to do it.

Young Pip: ...Quoi?

[Back to the present day,]

Police Girl: Oh my god!

Pip: Oh, relax! It was a flash bang! A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone. Now, how about zese Nazi fucks?

Police Girl: Well, I've got a couple of grenades for them. They ain't flashbangs, though.

Pip: Ah, but zey'll flash and zey'll bang, just how I like it. Now, give zem a proper Hellsing welcome.

Police Girl: So, a mountain of over-the-top violence, swearing and unnecessary screaming?

Pip: Exactement.

Police Girl: OUI FUCKING MONSIEUR!!!

[Yuri Temirkanov's "Dies Irae" starts playing]

Pip: OPEN FIRE!

[With a savage scream, Seras peppers the zeppelin with AA rounds, killing several workers on board]

Helmsman: Ve are being shredded lieutenant!

Zorin: Tell me somezhing new!

[Seras destroys two of the zeppelin's engines]

Helmsman: Vell, ve just lost two engines!

Zorin: CUNT!!!

Captain: Ma'am, ve can't keep taking this kind of damage! We're going to crash!

Zorin: Zen give me ramming speed captain, right into zat bitch!

Captain: Vich bitch lieutenant?

Zorin: Zat bitch with the CANNONS!

[The zeppelin heads straight at Seras]

Pip: Alright ma chère, how bout you flash zem ze goods?

[Seras lifts up her guns to show two grenades attached before firing them hitting the zeppelin, which then proceeds to fall out the air and crash]

Zorin: [Screaming in anger as the zeppelin crashes] CUNT!!!

Pip: And zat, is how ze cookie fumbles.

Police Girl: It's "crumbles".

Pip: Oh~, like England.

Police Girl: Can you... not right now?

Pip: I am French, so... no.

Mercer: Holy shit, guys! I think we killed them all!

Hebert: [looking through binoculars] Hey Mercer, try not to choke on your fucking foot!

[The Nazi Vampires are seen climbing out of the rubble led by Zorin]

Pip: Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor... zese are vampires. Much like ma chère, zey won't go down zat easy. And a night on ze town and a little bit of wine won't woo zem over. You will have to show zem zat you care. Make zem feel like zey're ze only thing zat exists to you in zhis world. And zen, when zey finally open zeir legs... give zem everyzing, and leave nothing.

Zorin: Vat's our head count?!

Nazi Sergeant: Eins, zwei, drei... a-a lot, a lot, zere's a lot.

Zorin: Good. Zen your orders... are to SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!!!

[The Nazi Vampires charge towards the Hellsing HQ.]

Police Girl: Should I hold my position Mr. Bernadotte?

Pip: No ma chère, you've already been on top, now give us a turn.

[The Nazi Vampires continue running towards Hellsing HQ when one of them steps on a landmine.]

Nazi Vampire 1: Oh, landmines... [beeping] Oh! LANDMI-[landmine explodes]

[Several other Nazi Vampires are blown up by landmines whilst screaming "Landmines!"]

Nazi Vampire 2: Holy Shit! They planted landmines!

Pip: Oh, zey found the landmines.

Police Girl: [shocked] Oh my God, they planted landmines?! We walk our dogs out there!

Nazi Vampire 2: Okay, ve have to stay calm! Nobody move a inch! Ve vait for Zorin, we'll pull back....

[One of the Wild Geese presses of detonator, causing several planted explosives to detonate in slow motion with grapeshot.]

Nazi Vampire 2: [slowed down] And ve'll- OH SHI-!

[Several more vampires get splattered by the grapeshot debris.]

Pip: Alright men, you know ze drill: If it moves, it dies. If it dies, you move on. Keep zose grenades coming, keep ze bullets raining, and most importantly... have fun. I'm going to have a smoke. [Pulls out a lighter.]

Willingham: No offense sir, but you're being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as usual, but aren't we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here?

Pip: Honestly Willingham, we were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.

Willingham: Still kinda crazy thought, isn't it?

Pip: No way! If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in ze Middle East, zat we'd end up fighting Nazi Vampires, I'd have kissed you full on ze mouth! But now... all I feel is robbed. [Closes lighter.]

Willingham: Well, if it make you feel any better, there's a giant woman outside.

Pip: ...Quoi?

[Mega Zorin is seen materialising into a giant and laughing maniacally, while everyone inside the Hellsing mansion is frozen with fear, Pip runs out of the control room to the hall.]

Pip: SAINTE PUTAINE DE MERDE!!

Mercer: What?!

Police Girl: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

Pip: What she said!

Mega Zorin: Peekaboo~! I'LL KILL YOU~!!!

[Zorin slices through the mansion with her scythe while everyone inside screams and runs in fear.]

Pip: I want to go back to ze Middle East...

[Zorin slices once again through the mansion.]

Erholtz: SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!!

Mercer: FUCKING... DEMON... BITCH!!

Hebert: Oh.. Tscch... I lost an arm...

[Police Girl falls to her knees in utter despair.]

Police Girl: [thinking] We're gonna die... To a giant German Nazi vampire woman with a scythe... That screaming homeless man on the train was right!

[Cue in: The Crimson Fucker.]

Alucard: Hahahahaha! You're kidding me, right?! This basic bitch has you believing she's a giant?

Police Girl: Master? Where-

Alucard: On a boat in the middle of, uh... The fucking, I don't know, Atlantic? Eh, fuck it, the ocean. Anyways, you need to whip out that third eye of yours and-

Police Girl: But... Master, I-I only have two eyes.

Alucard: No, you have three eyes. You're a vampire.

Police Girl: Do you have three eyes?

Alucard: Sweetheart, I've got so many eyes. Eyes for days.

Police Girl: Eyes for days?

Alucard: Eyes for days. Now, look past your own self...

Police Girl: Eh.. How, eh...

Alucard: OH MY GOD, GO CROSSEYED, JESUS!!

[Police Girl follows orders and escapes Zorin's illusion.]

Erholtz: PLEASE DON'T STICK ME IN YOUR GIANT VAGINA!!

Mercer: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Hebert: Welp, high-fives are gonna suck now... [grunts]

Police Girl: [looking at everyone still hypnotised] Hold on... Did she- Aw, come on!

Pip: Open ze doors of Hell for me, Grand-père. I'm coming home.

Police Girl: [whilst taking her rifle off the floor] Oh for Christ's sake.

[Police Girl points the rifle out a window and uses her vampire vision to shoot the real Zorin, grazing her cheek.]

Zorin: Augh! My face, you CUNT!!

Police Girl: You cunt touch this!

Mega Zorin: [lets out an angry growl as she disappears]

[The Wild Geese slowly come out of the illusion and get a hold on themselves... Kinda.]

Hebert: Holy shit, my arm's back!

Erholtz: Oh, thank God! I thought she was going to crush me... With her giant vagina!

Mercer: Okay, what does your Internet history look like?!

Police Girl: [shaking Pip] Mister Bernadotte! It was just an illusion, like push-up bras or stilettos!

Pip: Wait! You wear a push-up bra?

Police Girl: I don't wear a bra.

[momentary silence]

Wild Geese Member: ...Ooohhh my God.

[A Nazi Vampire bursts in through the window.]

Erholtz: They figured out the landmines!

Pip: I fucking noticed! [One of the vampires bites another Wild Goose on the neck.]

Police Girl: [As she sticks the barrel of her riffle into the vampire's mouth] Eat schnitzel in Hell! [pulls the trigger, blowing his head off.]

Pip: "Eat schnitzel in hell"?

Police Girl: Oh, my apologies! What would you have said?

Pip: Don't be so sauer, kraut! [Everyone begins laughing.]

Erholtz: Ninety-nine dead balloons.

Andrande: Hasta l'auf wiedersehen!

Police Girl: [giggling and struggling to think of a joke] You've... been... autobahned! [The laughter stops.] Like the- like the autoba-

Pip: Ve should get a move on!

Police Girl: Oh, choke on a baguette of dicks!

Pip: Now listen ma chère, we are in ze zhick of it! Zey are getting close, and we cannot pull out now. We shall continue to hold zem off as long as we can, but we need you to flank zem and-

Police Girl: This is a reach-around joke, innit?

Pip: Bon Dieu! I'm becoming predictable. Whatever, listen. If the British are good at anything, it's hunting, and you are hunting ze deadliest game of all.

Police Girl: Nazi vampires.

Pip: Dammit, that used to sound so cool! But zen you say it so much and "Nazi vampires" just sounds stupid!

Police Girl: Oh, right? Maybe we'll find something else, like... maybe a Nazi werewolf.

Pip: Merde, zat sounds so much worse! [Missiles explode against the side of the mansion.] Oh right, World War Trois. Ma chère! Like a high-class escort, make zhem pay for every inch.

Police Girl: I can't believe I find you attractive. [She turns and runs down the hall.]

Pip: Pardon quoi? [realisation] Wait, what?!

Willingham: Uh, so sir, what's the over/under on us finishing this mission alive?

Pip: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.

Willingham: I dunno, those vampires do look kinda rapey.

Hebert: Holy shit, dude!

Willingham: Oh, who the fuck am I offending? The NAZIS?!

[Cut to Father Maxwell lying on a deck chair with a newspaper over his face.]

Riegel: Uh, Bishop Maxwell?

Maxwell: Ah, shit. I fell asleep waiting. You'd think watching London turn into a literal hell-scape would keep you riveted, but once the screams died down... [He looks across the English Channel, where the glow from London's fires can be seen on the horizon.] So, what did I miss?

Riegel: Well, according to the reports, America is imploding.

Maxwell: So, Millennium has infiltrated them as well.

Riegel: No... actually.

Maxwell: ...Okay. Well, have the Papal Knights arrived yet?

Riegel: Actually, we were unable to conscribe them into our efforts.

Maxwell: What?!

Riegel: Ah- but do not worry, Bishop Maxwell! We were able to get... some... Eager volunteers.

Maxwell: Volunteers?

[The camera pans into different shots of the volunteers in their Klassic Krusader Knights outfit.]

Andrea: From Italia, I am brother Andrea Marco Francesco Luco Mateo Alhandro Lozendro Fredrico-

Maxwell: Yes, yes. And your order?

Andrea: I bring with me the Pure Noble Ordine della Rossa del Corna di Resa San Bartironmeto, alla Serieta del Segni Torre Derise del Sito [this name is yet to be confirmed]...

[Maxwell grunts in frustration]

Andrea: Divisione Ricettazione. We bring 510 paladins of the order.

Maxwell: [Sigh] Grazie. And you?

Diego: From Mexico, Don Diego de la Vega! I bring: The Mexican Inquisition.

Maxwell: I did not expect you.

Diego: No one ever does! We bring 888 conquistador inquisitors!

Bartłomiej: Shalom! Bartłomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the sacred order of the Temple Beth Zion!

Maxwell: Oh, I've... not heard of your order. You're... sure you're Catholic?

Bartłomiej: Eh... Of course!

Maxwell: You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?

Bartłomiej: Hey, if we're killing Nazis, I'll worship a side of bacon. We bring 447 mënschen.

Puiser: Hey bud, Abbot Puiser from Canada, bud. I bring the crusaders of the Salvation Army. Fuck bro, let's kill us some gays!

Maxwell: Nazis.

Puiser: Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh?

Maxwell: Glad to have you, now let's-

Jed: Now I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable killin' Nazis. Some of my best friends are Neo Nazis! Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so...

Maxwell: Mi scusi. And you are?

Jed: Jed Forrest, from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300 n' change good ol' boys from the Knights of the Hangin' Noose.

Maxwell: Wow, alright, okay! Thank you for... swinging by. ...Oh, God!

Jed: No worries. Now I noticed y'all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don't worry, 'cause Jim brought more in his truck!

Maxwell: That's uh... really not necessary-

Jed: Jim, how many more crosses we got in that truck!?

Jim: 'Bout a few!

Jed: 'Bout a few.

Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade. Listen up! Those who have come to serve the unyielding Word of our Almighty God. We've come together this night, under the glow of the London inferno in the eyes of our Lord for one divine reason... [drapes an extravagant stole around his shoulders] FUCK THE NEW POPE!!

[Everyone begins cheering. Scenes of Pope Francis in real life are seen as Maxwell talks.]

Maxwell: That Argentinian windbag has ruined us! Prattling on and on about the poor! We are the house of God, not a fucking soup kitchen!

Andrea: Thank you! Even we're sick of feeding people, and we're Italian!

Maxwell: And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a wooden chair! Probably carved by more poor people!

Diego: Jesus was a king first, carpenter second!

Maxwell: And do not start me on the homosexuals! Oh, if you love them so much, why don't you fucking marry them?! You seem so okay with the concept!

Puiser: Yeah, fuck bro! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' sex!

Maxwell: And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as mere stories! "We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whores, and homosexuals, and POOR people!"

Bartłomiej: Yeah! Perhaps we can all just agree that, maybe, Jesus wasn't the son of God!

Maxwell: We are the congregation of a wrathful God. We shall begin a new Papal succession, and I shall lead us in a Ninth Crusade, for I am your leader... THE NEW POPE! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens, WE... WILL...

Jed: ROUND UP ALL THOSE DIRTY NI-

Maxwell: Okay, you need to chill!

[Series logo appears.]

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