Rip Van Winkle: Ze following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, und licenced by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und ze Funimation. Please support ze official release.
[In the background The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go plays. Scene changes to a London corner pub]
British Dude: Oh, come on, love. Show us ye tits.
[The woman slaps him in the face]
British Dude: Oh, she declined. Now, let's get pissed.
British Dude 2: Hey mate. What's the last thing ye ever thought ye'd ever see in the night sky?
British Dude: Oh uh, that's a deep question, man, I--
British Dude 2: Oh, no, cause it's blimps.
[The camera pans up to the Nazi zeppelins flying over London, playing Herms Niel's Das Engellandlied over loudspeakers]
The Major: Gentlemen... Ve have made it! [Platoon of Nazis on the zeppelin applause loudly] Alright. Achtung! Achtung!
Hans: Whoo whoo!
The Major: Hans! Hans! Bring it down a notch.
Hans: [With quiet voice] Whoooh...
The Major: Now. Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot. Please lead us off.
[In the background, Das Engellandlied written by Hermann Lons starts playing]
The Doktor: Of course. Everyone, thank you for coming to the mandatory pre-var seminar. Please open your "World War III" pamphlets to page three, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicolas Cage.
The Major: Ve have an exciting itinerary of the evening's events. Tonight... ve annihilate London!
Random Nazi: Umm, all of London?
The Major: All of London. Buckingham Palace - laid to vaste. Big Ben - toppled to zhe ground.
Random Nazi: Zhe house of parliament?
The Major: Eradicated.
Random Nazi 2: Zhe Tower of London?
The Major: Obliterated!
The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?
The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.
Hans: What about London Bridge?
The Major: Ja, ja. London Bridge is falling down. Ve all know zhe song. Look, you be zhe first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it; I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, zhe accompaniment tonight has been selected via survey. Und I hope you're as excited as I am! Zhe song tonight is zhe most appropriate for ironic reasons; Zhe best reasons! But first - a toast. To zhe answer of an age-old question!
[Scene switches to a missile hitting Big Ben and beginning of an assault on London. In the background Edwin Starr's War plays]
The Doktor: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?
The Major: Yes. "Because it means the destruction of innocent lives." [Major uses lyrics from the song playing in the background] "Induction then destruction! Who wants to die!?"
[Music fading. Camera shows the high ground view at the London streets ablaze in shape of a swastika, then switches to the building of Round Table Conference]
Sir Shelby Penwood: What do you mean he's stuck on the boat?
Sir Integra: I mean he's stuck on a bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.
Sir Penwood: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?
Sir Integra: What? N-no, he can't fly with his vampire powers!
Sir Penwood: Then how did he get there?!
Sir Integra: On a Blackbird we appropriated!
Sir Penwood: You stole the Blackbird?!
Sir Integra: WOULD YOU JUST SEND A HELICOPTER?!
Sir Penwood: We can't; our communications are down.
Sir Integra: What?
Sir Penwood: They... have been for the last two hours.
Sir Integra: So you're telling me that, as of this moment, we have no access to Alucard, communications with our forces in the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be knocking at our door?
[The doors to the chamber and smashed open and a group of men storm the room]
Reggie: Or, perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!
Sir Integra: Oh, Reggie. This is adorable.
Reggie: SIR... Reginald is my name! I have spent the last five years of my life cleaning up after your pet vampire! And now, is the time Sir Reginald was payed what he deserves!
Sir Integra: [Chuckles] You know, I get it now.
Reggie: Get what?
Sir Integra: [laughs] How Alucard feels! Just a little bit anyway.
Sir Integra: But I must say Sir Reginald it is quite impressive that, despite how hilariously amateur this little coup of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.
[Reggie's arm comes off]
Walter: Who wants Daddy's belt?
[Reggie's henchmen start shouting and shooting desperately, then get cut apart and fall down in fountains of blood. One blob lands upon Penwood's cheek]
Sir Penwood: Ung?
Walter: Now think about what you've done.
Sir Integra: So, Sir Penwood - are you all right?
Sir Penwood: Well, Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... currently... processing that.
[Some silence, the machinery starts bleeping, sweeping and creeping]
Radio-telegraphist: Communications are back up-- everything is on fire!
Another Radio-telegraphist: London Bridge is falling down!
Sir Penwood: Falling down?
Another Radio-telegraphist: Falling down!
Sir Penwood: London Bridge is falling down! My fair lady, what should we do?
Sir Integra: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Penwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you - carpool.
Sir Penwood: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position - it's not suited for a meek gentleman like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tucked my tail in-between my legs at the first sight of peril! I thank you for your service, miss Integra, but I--
Sir Integra: [Hands Penwood a gun] Here's a gun. There are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself.
[Integra and Walter walk off]
Sir Integra: Walter.
Walter: Yes, Sir Integra?
Sir Integra: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.
[Bird's eye view of burning London, shots fired, bombs exploding]
Ze Major: Ah yes! Buckingham Palace is burning... und so are my loins!
Ze Major: Ah First Lieutenant former Olympic bodybuilder Zorin Blitz. Sorry, I vas understandably caught up in ze moment.
Zorin: You finally have orders for me Major?
Ze Major: Ah indeed, my dear Zorin. You have a very specific target.
Zorin: Where shall my scythe be pointed?
Ze Major: Ze Hellsing Organisation Headquarters.
Ze Major: Und you...
Ze Major: ...shall provide reconnaissance
[Zorin drops a cigarette whilst her lips open in an expression of incredulity and dismay]
Ze Major: Okay, Zorin, Zorin, I need you to bring it back for me, take a deep breath.
Ze Major: Contain... Ze calamity... That is your mammaries.
Zorin: [Grunts furiously]
Ze Major: There is no-vone more eager to see them bleed than I, but ve must be careful. Sir Integra Fairbrook Vingates Hellsing - any voman who commands the respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay - most certainly. But not trifled with.
Zorin: But she is just vone voman!
Ze Major: Und a girl. A police girl. Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature, ze big titties? Maybe, who knows. But I do not gamble vis maybes. You vill act as ze vanguard and survey their forces, are ve clear?
Zorin: [unenthusiastically] Transparently.
Ze Major: Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich- [over the radio] Sergeant Klaus - have you spotted Frau Hellsing?
Klaus: Ja Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.
Ze Major: Is it on fire?
Klaus: It could be more on fire.
[Walter and Sir Integra drive down a street. Integra surveys the butchered corpses outside]
Sir Integra: Ugh... UGH!
Sir Penwood (over radio): Attention... anyone listening... I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly. [Walter adjusts the radio's tuning until Sir Penwood comes across clearer] It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I am Sir Penwood, Vice-Admiral of the British Security Council.
[Sir Penwood sits in the blood-soaked remains of the Security Council room, speaking into the radio's microphone]
Sir Penwood: I know things seem bleak to those who are still alive, but stay on. We are still fighting; each and everyone one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country against this decades-old barbarism!
[Council Room door gets blasted open, and Millennium soldiers storm in]
Lt. Schäfer: [laughs] How valiant of you Sir Penwood, defending your post down to ze last man.
Sir Penwood: Ah, but that's where I must rebuke you, because where you see one man, I see four...
Lt. Schäfer: "See four?" Ack! [looks around and sees dozens of C4 explosives planted around the room] Ahhhhhhh...
Sir Penwood: When you get to hell, tell em' Penwood sent you, and then apologize on my behalf for the inconvenience. [Blows up the C4]
[Radio gets cut off, Sir Integra sits silently in the back]
Sir Integra: Walter?
Walter: Yes Ma'am?
Sir Integra: Sir Penwood was a... [gets cut off by a collision with a ghoul] SON OF A BITCH!
Walter: Sir Integra, we have a problem.
Sir Integra: Oh my God, the road is on fire.
Walter: Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it.
[The Captain appears]
Walter: If you will excuse me, I have to meet with an old friend. You need to take the car and make your way to the HQ on your own. I believe in you Ma'am.
Sir Integra: Walter, there's something I want you to know.
Walter: This is no time for goodbyes Sir Integra.
Sir Integra: No... I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.
Walter: Oh? Well, perfect time to learn.
Sir Integra: You come back to me... no matter what. Understood?
Walter: Understood Ma'am [stretches glove]
Sir Integra: Now which one's the clu... [the car tears away, barely under control] OK, WE'RE DRIVING!
[Both Walter and The Captain exchange grunts. Walter attacks The Captain with his strings, they are, however, caught by The Captain]
Walter: Oh brilliant! You haven't aged a day!
[The Deus Ex Machina flies overhead, broadcasting The Major over the loudspeakers]
Ze Major: Ah yes, ve have aged like fine vine. You, on ze other hand, have aged like milk; spoilt, sour, und ruining my meal. But don't get me wrong, it's still splendid to see you! Let's have a heart to heart!
Sir Integra: [Driving recklessly] Ah shit! Fuck! Ah SHIT!
Nazi: [Pursuing Sir Integra] There she is! Johan, tell her to pull over!
[Music plays in Sir Integra's car]
Johan: Guten Abend, could you please pull over? [Gets hit by the car]
Nazi: Vell, she declined. Panzerfaust! [Fires panzerfaust]
Sir Integra: [Continues driving while avoiding fire] YOU'VE! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! -TING! ME!
[Car crashes into a wall]
Hans: [jumps onto the car] Whooo! [gets head sliced off by Integra]
Nazi: Hans?! Nein! And he was having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge! Sing the song. Everything!
Sir Integra: Congratulations. [Pulls out a cigarette and stomps on head] It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal, fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year old woman.
Nazi: Zat's a woman?
Other Nazi: She's 22?
Sir Integra: [blows smoke] I hope it's everything you dreamed of. So how about it then? [Pulls out sword] Come and get the first real fight you've had in 50 years, you dickless cowards!
Nazi: I'LL STAB YOU IN ZE FUCKING FA- [stabbed by a dozen bayonets and then explodes]
[Bible pages fall to the ground and Anderson appears]
Nazi: God's Assassin...
Another Nazi: Saint Guillotine....
Third Nazi: Ze Angel's Dust...
Fourth Nazi: Judas Priest...
Fifth Nazi: Wait, like ze band?
Sixth Nazi: Zey ver named after him!
Anderson: By Jove, you fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded by fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do!? You get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, you kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some flowers myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Sir Integra: Alexander Anderson. To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?
Anderson: Ah, you know, just out and about with me posse.
Sir Integra: Posse?
[Integra looks up, seeing countless Iscariot agents on the roof above]
Anderson: And look! Y'know how your pet vampire has got his own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinking, so I acquired some learned youngsters m'self! Two of 'em! Which is twice as good! And here's the real kicker, one's Japanese, and the other one's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical?! I just need an Italian one and I've got me an axis of righteousness. Yumie! Say something in moonspeak!
Anderson: Ha, ha! And the German's one, Heinkel. She shoots things; it's great.
Heinkel: Pop-Pop, watchin' heathens drop.
Nazi: Ze Iscariots? Ve're not scared of you! Look at you, you don't even know how to use a bayonet! It goes on ze gun, idiot!
Anderson: Now, if you'll excuse us, you English cow, it's time for the Iscariots to do your job for ya, and put these soulless bodies where they belong... In the ground, in case you didn't take--
[A Nazi rushes towards Anderson, but is swiftly cut down and killed]
Anderson: ...In case you didn't take me meaning.
Nazi: Kill zem!
[The Nazi group begins their attack, rushing at the Iscariots as Dropkick Murphey's I'm Shipping Up To Boston begins to play]
Anderson: Who are we!?
Iscariots: The necessary evil!
Anderson: Why are we necessary?!
Iscariots: To purge the world of evil worse than man!
Anderson: And why are we God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task!?
Iscariots: Because no one else will!
Anderson: [Crosses blades] AND BECAUSE IT'S FUCKIN' FUN! [Laughs maniacally] AMEN!
[The Iscariots and Anderson begin battle with the Nazis, before a large pool of blood splatters onto the wall, which then displays the logo for Hellsing Ultimate Abridged]
[Cut back to the burned out ruins of the HMS Eagle, after Alucard crashed onto the boat and killed Rip Van Winkle. He walks to the edge of the boat, and sniffs the air]
Alucard: ...Something's burning.