Jan Valentine: The following is a fan based parody, Hellsing Ultimate is property of - Kouta Hirano and Studio MadHouse-? The fuck is this?! You assholes brought me back from the dead, to read this legal BULLSHIT?? No no no no no, FUCK THAT!. If I'm going to come back to life to read a fucking line, then its going to be my kind of fucking line. (Clears his throat, ending with a bit of a Tsk.) My throbbing vampire dick, is a fan based parody, its shaft, balls and scrotum are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its offical release! ...You know you want to.
[Fade to Black]
Abraham Van Hellsing: Vampire king.
[Alucard groans as he opens his eyes, seeing Abraham over him. Around him, the Transylvanian Wasteland.]
Abraham Van Hellsing: You lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered. Dominions in ruin. Servants destroyed. All to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands. Countless villages razed to the ground. [grabs Alucard] And over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men. What say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb? WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?
[Alucard thinks long and hard about his answer, before finally stating, painfully:]
Alucard: The Aristocrats...
[Abraham growls before driving the stake into Alucard's heart. Suddenly, Alucard wakes up in the present day beneath the mansion.]
Alucard: Oh God... It's orientation day!!
[Scene changes to Integra adressing a certain group of mercenaries: The Wild Geese.]
Integra: Listen close. You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards for the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets: terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... [chuckles] a mystical persuasion.
[The Wild Geese start laughing.]
Pip: [chuckles] Well, is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
Integra: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing-
[Suddenly Alucard appears through the wall.]
Alucard: HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!!?
[All of The Wild Geese start screaming.]
[The Wild Geese continue screaming, until...]
Integra: STOP SCREAMING!
[The The Wild Geese then replace their screaming with whimpering like the Dogs of War that they are.]
[Alucard walks completely through the wall.]
Alucard: So, what's up with the pride meeting?
Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brother's--
Alucard: Wait, are these guys French?
Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.
Alucard: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
[Walter walks through the door behind Integra.]
Walter: Sir Integra, I apologize. I tried to stop him, but when I pleaded with him he merely responded with, and mind my French, no offense-
Pip: Some taken.
Walter: -"Fuck the police." He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
[Alucard laughs evilly.]
Integra: Oh God... Walking through that hallway's going to give me such a headache now.
[Walter pulls out a letter.]
Walter: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail.
[Integra takes the letter and reads the address.]
Integra: Enrico Maxwell?? That filthy, slimy, arrogant ITALIAN PIECE OF SHI--
[Scene immediately changes to an art museum, where Integra and Walter greet Enrico Maxwell and his escort, Father O'Mally'O'Connell'O'Carroll'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (who is also Italian), or much more conveniently known as Renaldo.]
Integra: Maxwell. Oh, it's been far too long.
Enrico: I agree, you are no longer that little girl I used to know. [removes glasses] Look at all those lines on your face.
Integra: And look at all the brown on your nose; how is the Pope doing?
Enrico: Better than your failing Church.
Integra: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals...
Enrico: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!!
[Alucard walks through the wall to greet Enrico.]
Alucard: Honestly, if you're gonna have a dick fighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap... Which I'm sure benefits the nine-year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. [Cut to a very, very peeved Maxwell, who is about to crush his spectacles in his hand.] Which was paid for how?? Oh right! "Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God... All over his back!
[Enrico finally crushes his glassses in his hand, in utter frustration, crying out:]
[Anderson appears at the end of the hallway and takes out his bayonets.]
Anderson: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling!
[Alucard takes out his guns as his hat falls off his head in sheer psychotic bliss.]
Alucard: YOU GOT ME A PRESENT!?
[Anderson walks toward Alucard, not exactly reluctant to rip said Fuckr to Bloody Pieces.]
Anderson: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way when his wrath is kindled but a little!
[Alucard and Anderson stand face-to-face ready to battle, both laughing maniacally; suddenly Seras appears with a group of old people, who so happened to in Group B, the Japanese tour, in between Alucard and Anderson.]
Seras: Right this way group B~! That's right~! Right in front of everyone else~! You're 80, you're used to it~! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art, I don't know~! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured~!
[Alucard lowers his guns.]
Alucard: [groans] Well, my boner's gone.
Anderson: Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
Alucard: Why don't we try this again some other time?
Anderson: Of course! Kill you later you monstrous heathen.
[Alucard and Anderson walk away.]
Alucard: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!
[Enrico and Integra return to their discussion, more than eager to change the subject at hand.]
Enrico: You want some coffee?
Integra: [smiles] I'd love some.
[Scene changes to the outdoor café.]
Integra: So, the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.
Enrico: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.
Integra: And what would those be?
Enrico: The true identity of Millenium.
Enrico: The organization who assailed your compound.
Integra: Oh yeah, there was some debate over that.
Enrico: And the whereabouts of said Millenium.
Integra: And what could you possibly want in exchange?
Enrico: Oh, nothing major, just two simple apologies. From you and your subordinate, known as the Crimson Fucker... also known as Alucard.
[Momentary pause at Integra's face.]
Integra: So you want an apology from me?
Enrico: I figured, but didn't want to assume.
Integra: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?
Enrico: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant pig sow! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.
Integra: What did he do this time?
Enrico: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 400 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less. They just, fly right into the Vatican. The latest one writ as such: [clears throat] "Dear-"
[Alucard's letter is shown with Alucard voicing over the letter]
Alucard: Dear Chief Replacement, I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you are curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right. I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey. Follow me on Twitter @TheCrimsonFuckr!
[Scene returns to Integra and Enrico.]
Enrico: "Sincerely, Alucard."
Integra: I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
Enrico: So, that apology~?
Integra: [sigh] I'm sor--
[Scene immediately cuts to Integra and Walter back in the mansion.]
Integra: So that's where they are.
Walter: Interesting. But do you think Alucard would go?
Integra: Not as long as it's an order.
[Walter ponders on what to do, then gets an idea.]
Walter: I think I have an idea.
[Scene cuts to Walter and Alucard conversing.]
Walter: Did you know you have vacation days?
Alucard: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because, seriously, it's always over the phone! Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner; it's super awkward.
Alucard: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling!
Walter: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
[The two look at each other for a few seconds.]
Alucard: I'm taking the Police Girl and the Frenchman!
[Scene cuts to Alucard sitting in a private jet with a glass of wine in his hand; Pip sits on the other side of him with a newspaper; Pitbull's "I Know You Want Me" plays in the background.]
Pip: So, where is the Police Girl?
Alucard: Oh, y'know, she's downstairs.
[Pip lowers his newspaper.]
Pip: Isn't that the cargo hold?
[Scene changes to Seras locked in her coffin in the cargo hold.]
Seras: I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight places!
[Scene cuts to an overhead view of Rio de Janeiro, showing the Christ the Redeemer statue.]
Alucard: JESUS WANTS A HUG~!
[Fade to the hotel Alucard and Seras are staying in.]
Hotel Employee/Bishounen O'Brien: There we are. A regular two-bedroom!
Alucard: Hilarious! No. I want the penthouse.
[O'Brien looks concerned.]
O'Brien: I'm sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
[Alucard raises his hand, controlling O'Brien's mind.]
Alucard: I SAID... you want to give me the penthouse.
[O'Brien, eyes wide, under the control of a Jedi Mind Trick, repeats what Alucard said.]
O'Brien: I... want to give you the penthouse.
Alucard: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
O'Brien: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
[Alucard talks to Pip.]
Alucard: See this, Frenchy? I can make him say whatever I want. [to O'Brien] White Chicks was amazing.
O'Brien: White Chicks was amazing~!
Alucard: He believes it, too!
Scarlet Tampon: Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. The Crimson Fucker has checked in. I repeat, The Crimson Fucker has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the god-damn nicknames next time.
[Scarlet Tampon then hides as Pip opens the door.]
Pip: So, if this doesn't sound weird, would you maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?
Alucard: You're not my friend. You're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood.
Pip: Geez, fine.
Alucard: Also tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!
[Scarlet Tampon walks hastily away]
Scarlet Tampon: Shit, shit, shit!
Alucard: Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeeeel-
[Scene then cuts to a reporter documenting on seemingly yet another one of Alucard's fuck-ups.]
Reporter: Shots fired from the Penthouse suite of the top floor...
Reporter: The initial S.W.A.T. team has not reported back (shows pictures of Seras and Alucard. Pip does a spit take. Also Anderson is shown laughing as he watches the report.) leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne looking motherfucker. (Integra also watches and is understandably pissed.)
Integra: On the phone. Get him on the phone! I want him on the phone right now!
Alucard: Hold on a minute, I got to take this.
[Alucard presses button on phone]
Integra: What did you do?
Alucard: Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
Integra: What did you do?
Alucard: Okay, first, I was minding my own business-
Integra: (Slams hand on table) BULLSHIT!!!
Alucard: (Whining) I was!
Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business?"
Alucard: So I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller, and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
[Door gets kicked in by B.O.P.E. forces, as Alucard recounts his trial of tribulation.]
Alucard: One of them yelled out, (Cut to the B.O.P.E. Schmuck.)
Schmuck: Get on your knees!
Alucard: and I responded with: (Cut to the past.) I'm not your mother last night!! And they took exception to that. (Raging gunfire ensues, as the Schmuck emits a war cry, and Alucard's body gets shot to the ground. Not Dead, by the way. KThxDie.) But you know how that song and dance goes. (Men screaming as they die) And I killed all but one of them.
Integra: What happened to the last one?
(Man whimpering and shoots himself in the head.)
Alucard: PUSSED OUT LIKE A BITCH!! Silver lining? I can cancel my room service!
(Sounds of sirens and dogs, at the B.O.P.E.'s Command Tent, featuring about 7 Corrupt Pricks.)
Corrupt Prick 1: So we've sent, like, 10 guys up there and we haven't heard back. Think everything's alright?
Tubalcain: Naturalmente, don't worry about it. Of course everything's fine~!
Prick 1: Well, no matter what we're still going to get our immortality right?
Tubalcain: Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kind of guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way, you may want to send more men.
Prick 1: Well that sounds reasonable.
(Cut to Intergra on the phone. Sounds of Alucard eating.)
Alucard: (Eating dead shmucks over the phone) You've been, like, really quiet for, like, five minutes (continues eating) Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
Integra: Alucard. Put the police girl on the phone.
Alucard: Really? You want to talk to... Okay, fine, whatever. (Muffled) Take the fucking call.
Seras: (Muffled) What does she want?
Alucard: (Muffled) I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk.
Seras: (Picking up phone) 'Ello?
Integra: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room! Under any circumstance!
Seras: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk.
(Cut to Alucard walking down a hallway, full of B.O.P.E. Dopes, with his guns out as his theme song from the Gonzo Anime plays - A Left Foot Trapped in a Sensual Seduction.)
Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan?
[Soldiers yell and start shooting.]
Alucard: Apparently it's great!
[Men yelling and guns firing.]
Integra: (Over Alucard literally Fucking the Police) Walter. Be honest with me. What are we looking at in terms of collateral?
Walter: Well... The Alucard amount.
[Alucard walks out of an elevator full of dead bodies, then sends several B.O.P.E. Dopes flying out of the hotel and impaling them on flagpoles in front of a stunned crowd. He then exits the hotel and is met by Tubalcain.]
Tubalcain: I heard you know how to make an entrance! If I had known you were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you.
Alucard: Hold on! Did you put all of this on for me~? Who are you?
Tubalcain: I am Tubalcain(Mispronounced Tublacain) Alhambra, or the Dandy Man. I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality.
Alucard: And they fucking bought that??
Tubalcain: Like discount pischi.
Alucard: You cheeky dick waffle! So then, what's the deal?
Tubalcain: A cute choice of words... I wish to play a card game, vampiro.
Alucard: What, we talking 52 Pickup?
Tubalcain: No... More like 52 CUT UP!! (Sends card attack at Alucard).
Alucard: Hit me~! Whoop-!
[Men screaming over Integra's TV as they're caught in the crossfire.]
Integra: Oh my God, why are they doing this outside?! (More men are killed by Tubalcain.) Well, at least he's just dodging him... (Alucard "accidentally" blasts at least a couple B.O.P.E. Dopes.) Oh, come on, that was on purpose!!
[Alucard shoots Tubalcain in the neck, who disappears.]
Alucard: So, he can make card clones...
[Tubalcain appears behind him and sends him flying, with a "Whup-!".]
Tubalcain: You activated my trap card!
Alucard: Oh boy! (Explosion around Alucard.)
Alucard: Hey Dandy Dick! (The Dandy Man turns his head, and finds Alucard on the side of a building.) You missed! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP~!
[Cut to command tent, with men rushing and talking, likely acting as guards for the Corrupt Pricks.]
Prick 2: Do you think Alhambra can take him?
Prick 1: Calm down, man, it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm going to do with my immortality!
[Pip, disguised as a B.O.P.E Officer, walks into the tent, about to do some Vigilante Justice.]
Prick 2: Joke's on you! I'm getting double immortality! Huh?
[Pip shoots the corrupt Politicians/Pricks, starting with #2, then moving onto #1, and so on, while counting up to 7 in French.]
Prick 6: No, no, no, no- Argh-!! (- He cried, as he gets shot in the head)
[Pip walks out of the tent humming the French national anthem; La Marseillaise. The tent explodes via C4 Planted in the Tent, killing or at least wounding many other people around it, Corrupt Prick or no.]
Pip: (Lights cigarette) Well, let's see what he thinks about having that drink with me.
[Cut to Alucard bleeding on the roof of the hotel]
Alucard: *Grunts* Could use a drink right now! Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore... *Pant* Guy's got magic cards... and magic hands!
Tubalcain: Tell me Alucard, are you a betting man?
Alucard: I believe that's your shtick.
Tubalcain: I'd like to make a little bet with you, vagabundo. I'll end your life... with one hand.
Alucard: I'll take that bet. Now... HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!!
[Tubalcain sends two cards at Alucard, which seem to do nothing.]
Alucard: Oh, shame for you... [Said as he releases Cromwell Control Art Restriction, Level 1, as he did with that Pile of Dog-Shit, Luke Valentine.] You activated my Alu-Card!
Tubalcain: What? (Seras shoots the cards out of his hands.) Que mierda [The Shit!?]
[Tubalcain is hit by a hail of 12.7mm bullets.]
Seras: GET SOOOOME!!!!
Tubalcain: Puta [Whore/Slut/Bitch]!!
[Seras pulls out the Harkonnen, having blown her load.]
Seras: Trump this!!
[She fires it at Tubalcain, who cuts it in two with a card.]
Tubalcain: I'm getting real tired of this shit!
Alucard: You and me both!
Tubalcain: HRRRNGH-!!! (Swinging a card at him!)
[Alucard grabs him and breaks his leg.]
Alucard: Now show me your hand... DANDY MAAAAAAAN!!!!
Tubalcain: AARGH-!! (- He cried as he tried the same trick twice, this time countering Alucard's arm! ...Well, trying to no avail.)
[Alucard rips Tubalcain's arm in half in response.]
[After Tubalcain squealed like a Pig, Alucard grabs his face.]
Tubalcain "Pig-Man" Alhambra: Ah-ha-ha-haaa-! (whimpers) Eeeh?.
Alucard: Hey Dandy Man?
Alucard: You lost.
Alucard: And now I have to read your mind.
Alucard: By drinking all of your blood...
Tubalcain: Urh! Urh! Urh!! Urh!! AAH!!!
Alucard: OM NOM NOM NOM!
(Blood splatters as Alucard starts reading his... apparently hallucinogenic thoughts. Cue footage from "The Music Scene" By Blockhead.)
Alucard: The fuck is this? The fuck is that?? The fuck are those?!
(Alucard then sees a silhouette of The Major in front of a Nazi flag. Cue Gradus Vita.)
Alucard: Ohohohohohoho! Ooohohohahahahahaha! (Drops the suinate corpse and starts clapping.) Ahahahahahahahahahahahah!!
Alucard: Hold on-! I need to tweet about this...
[Cut to Integra browsing her Twitter. She then sees Alucard's tweet, which reads as such: "IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire"]
Walter: Sir Integra, is something the matter?
Integra: ...It's the fucking-
[Cuts to the Major.]
Doctor: I am zo zorry, Major, for zhe failure of zhe Dandy Man.
Major: Oh, give it a rest, Herr Docktor. He was a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
Doctor: But Major, now zhat zhey know of our plans...
Major: Ah, Herr Doctor, but that iz the plan~! Now that zhey know our plan, zhey will plan around our plan, and zo we zhall in turn plan around zhe plan zhat zhey are planning around our plan!!
Doctor: ...Your brilliance knows no bounds!
Major: And regardless... We have one advantage that they sorely lack... ZEPPELINS!
(Cut to the Major's smaller zeppelin (NOT Deus Ex Machina) flying through the air. Show then ends.)