Alexander Anderson: The following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release, you protestant fuckbucket.
Sir Integra: Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?
[Switches to zombie at a gate of a highschool from the anime, High School Of The Dead]
Alucard: Eh... I'd say 99... point 9 percent done. 'Sup, bitch?
Sir Integra: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.
Alucard: Are they hookers?
Sir Integra: No.
Alucard: And like that, you've lost me.
Sir Integra: They're our financial suppliers.
Alucard: Oh man, they have to hate us.
Sir Integra: They do. That's why they canceled our budget.
Alucard: Oooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that right?
Walter: Yes, very important.
Alucard: Thank you, Walter.
Walter: Of course, sir.
Sir Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims...
Alucard: Like what?
Sir Integra: First off -- property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.
Sir Integra: Dozens of noise complaints...
[cut scene to Police Girl and Alucard blasting Nobody by Skindred]
Alucard: Sorry! I can't hear you!
Sir Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
Sir Integra: And, all of the sexual harassment.
Alucard: ... I'm not apologizing.
Sir Integra: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...
Sir Integra: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone.
Alucard: I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.
Sir Integra: Alucard...
Alucard: I'm gonna go with no...
Sir Integra: This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene.
Alucard: I don't have to take this. I'm going for a walk.
Sir Integra: No you don't!
Alucard: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name...? Michael McDoesn't-exist?
Sir Integra: [Sigh] What do you want?
Sir Integra: What.. do I need to give you.. to keep you down here for the evening?
Alucard: I'm going to need a new gun. Also, one for the police girl.
Seras Victoria: But I already have a gun!
Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon -- bitches love cannons.
Sir Integra: Anything else?
Alucard: A seventy-inch plasma widescreen tv.
Sir Integra: Really?
Alucard: With Netflix.
Sir Integra: Should it also be 3D?
Alucard: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!
[scene changes to the board meeting]
Sir Integra: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.
Sir Shelby Penwood Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.
Sir Integra: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the queen.
Sir Hugh Irons: Oh, it is, however, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.
Sir Shelby Penwood: Most of them under the name... 'Alucard'.
Sir Integra: [Sighs] Continue...
Sir Hugh Irons: For example, some of them were frankly labeled "entertainment".
Sir Integra: Entertainment..?
Unknown Council Member 1: Quite. Like in my report... twenty thousand for a... Candi?
Unknown Council Member 2: That's Candi with an 'i', by the way.
Sir Integra: I see...
Sir Hugh Irons: Not to mention the priceless antique car... I believe the note on the claim was 'I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats, so I scrapped it'.
Sir Integra: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.
Sir Shelby Penwood: Oh, yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen. Sitting at about ninety-five thousand in damages. [rambling]
Sir Integra: [thinking] I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this...
[cut scene to Jan and Luke walking towards gates of building]
Jan Valentine: And so halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin hooker ODs on heroin!
Luke Valentine: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.
Jan Valentine: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?
Luke Valentine: For God's sakes, Jan, think of mother!
Jan Valentine: I ain't jerkin' off right now...
Guard: Oi, You two! The grounds are currently closed.
Jan Valentine: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Where from?
(Jan snaps his fingers, summoning countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, from the bus behind him.)
Jan Valentine: Texas!
[Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed]
Jan Valentine: Aw shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.
Luke Valentine: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion.
Jan Valentine: Alrighty! Attention all bitches! (readies his guns as the ghouls file off the bus) -- off the bus and line up in order, I've got a class assignment for all of y'all!!
[cut scene back to the board meeting]
Unknown: And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.
[lights cut off]
Unknown 2: That's funny, we weren't cutting the power just yet.
Sir Integra: Oh, shit...
Sir Interga: Front desk report. What's going on?
Front Desk: Oh um yeah, hold on, just give me a second... whoa. Yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely, definitely... oh my god!
Sir Shelby Penwood: Sir Integra, do something!
Sir Integra: Calm down! We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have everything under control.
Unknown: What was that?
Sir Integra: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update.
Sir Integra: Communications, come in! We need a full report.
Man On Phone/Communications: [weeping]
Jan Valentine: Read the fucking paper.
Man On Phone: Hey there, Inte... Integra,
Jan Valentine: Read it fucking RIGHT, cockhole!!
(Clubs Communications just as he says Right!)
Man On Phone: Hey there you fat English whore!
Jan Valentine: That's more like it, now keep going.
Man On Phone: Me, and my big brother Luke, are killing all of your men and turning them into ghouls. So I hope you've made peace with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna ... oh god!
Jan Valentine: Keep reading, or I shoot the other testicle!!
Man On the Phone: Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you've got, and then I'm gonna just keep making more holes to fuck, until there's nothing left but your ruined corpse full of blood and semen ... oh god, this is horrible!
Jan Valentine: You ain't finished yet!
Man On the Phone: So prepare your dried-up pussy for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out -- OH GOD NO-!!!
Jan Valentine: [laughing] His fucking face, man! Oh-ho ho ho fuck!! Oh, now that shit is priceless!
[hangs up phone]
Sir Integra: Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and...
Alucard: Listen, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss, who is a total bitch by the way [gives off an aroused grunt], that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that...
Sir Integra: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will --
Alucard: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now, I've just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Bye~...
[Adventure Time sound clip, phone hanging up]
Sir Integra: Walter!
[cut scene to mansion; Luke slaughters four guards and picks up a phone call]
Luke Valentine: Hello, Jan.
Jan Valentine: So, how's my favorite big brother doing?
Luke Valentine: Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards...
Jan Valentine: Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me: I'm winning.
Luke Valentine: They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs. (Opens said passageway up) Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.
Jan Valentine: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
[ghoul moaning. Luke hangs up and smiles wryly]
Luke Valentine: Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
[cut back to board meeting]
Sir Integra: Alright, Walter and his assistant should be here any second now..
Sir Shelby Penwood: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to -- aaaghh! aaghh!
[Walter and Police Girl fall from ceiling, accidentally knocking Shelby over.]
Walter: Tally ho!
Sir Integra: Good to see you, Walter.
Walter: Of course, sir.
Sir Integra: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off. We lost all of our men, and Alucard is being --
Sir Integra: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?
Walter: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does, and tidy up.
[cut to mansion hall, Jan marching down it with his army of ghouls]
Jan Valentine: I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. So if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a...
(Ghouls are suddenly slaughtered.)
Jan Valentine: ...fuck was that?
Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez. Ex-Vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
Jan Valetine: Well ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy, but guess what, Jeeves, that garotte wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick. What's that, Alfred, how thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick, so thick enough that you need a fucking anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass.
Walter: Police girl, if you may.
(Zoom cut to Police Girl with said anti-tank rifle at the other end of the hallway)
Seras Victoria: BITCHES LOVE CANNONS.
Jan Valentine: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!!! (Gets shot)
[cuts to Alucard watching Adventure Time; Luke Valentine breaks through the wall, destroying the plasma TV]
Alucard: That was a seventy-inch plasma screen TV... so, how can I help you?
Luke Valentine: You must be the great Alucard.
Luke Valentine: I've heard quite a lot about you.
Alucard: Oh, really?
Luke Valentine: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human, a monster who's power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself --
Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!
Luke Valentine: Ex-cuse you..?
Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.
Luke Valentine: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!
Luke Valentine: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here...
Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated; because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my seventy-inch, plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
[Luke dashed towards Alucard, Luke's modified M1 Garand and Alucard's Jackal Pistol pointed at each other's heads at the ready]
Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you~?
[Luke fires at Alucard in the head]
[cut back to Jan, Walter, Police Girl, with the ghouls all defeated. Police Girl has Jan pinned to the ground in an armbar hold.]
Seras Victoria: Arm bars everywhere!
Jan Valentine: Let me go, you stupid bitch!
Walter: That's quite impressive, where did you learn that hold?
Seras Victoria: Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a police girl or something!
Walter: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.
Jan Valentine: Wow, gee willickers, mister, I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards, and tearing up your mansion. I promise I've learned my lesso -- (Walter stomps on Jan's hand) Aw, fuck! Take a joke, asshole!
Walter: And everything you say just pisses me off. Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know.
Jan Valentine: Alright, alright... what you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help you go fuck yourself!
[Jan breaks out of the submission hold]
Jan Valentine: And now, for the upcoming company picnic! (Presents an army of former Hellsing employees now turned into ghouls.) Unfortunately, all your douchebag co-workers are bringing is their own rotten flesh! Still better than potato salad, if you ask me. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go eat that Hellsing bitch! (Jumps over the two of them)
Walter: I've got your arm! (Tears off Jan's right arm with his wire)
Jan Valentine: SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!
[Jan laughs manaically as he busts opens the door, frowning as...]
[The Council members draw their guns]
Jan Valentine: Well, that's not fair at all.
Sir Integra: I'm sorry, [Draws her Sig P226as she quips] we don't give a fuck.
[Rapid gunfire tears Jan to shreds. Jan screams (and curses) in surprise and pain]
Jan Valentine: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... agh! Fuck! (Slumps against a wall) Where the fuck did my ghouls go??
Walter: Oh, they've been dealt with.
[Seras, in a blood rage, slaughters ghouls; Dragula by Rob Zombie plays in the background]
Jan Valentine: Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner...
Sir Integra: All right, shit for brains, you're going to spill every single thing you know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a BANANA.
Jan Valentine: [Laughing] I don't know what's fucking funnier, the fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did! (Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire, ala a Dr. Avondale Napier; as he declares) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! The one who sent me... WAS... NAZIS!
[Jan burns to Ashes, leaving only his hand flipping the bird.]
Sir Integra: I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?
Walter: I heard Miami Heat.
Seras Victoria: I heard the Motley Crue with my vampire hearing.
Sir Integra: Wait a second... where's the big brother?
(Back at Alucard's room, Alucard is clearly outmatched by Luke. Supposedly.)
Luke Valentine: You can't touch me, I was hand-crafted to kill you. My speed, my stamina, my power all rival, nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demi-god!!
(A Brief silence, as our "hero" registers what was just said.)
Alucard: ... Really? Really.
Luke Valentine: Really.
Luke Valentine: Really!
Luke Valentine: Really!!
Alucard: Release Restraint, level one.
Luke Valentine: Level what? (As in the Cromwell seal restriction has been lifted to level one; Totally not Kaio-Ken, for obvious reasons.)
(Luke loses a leg, thanks to the "dwarfed" Alucard's Jackal, fired ala Baskerville the Big Black Dog.)
Luke Valentine: Aaagh, aagh, fuck!
Alucard: You know, they say that TV makes you violent, but I say that not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!!
[Alucard's shoots his Jackal Pistol at Luke's OTHER leg, blowing the said, right leg clean off.]
Luke Valentine: AAAAAOOOOUGH-!!! I'm near the stairs, gotta get to the stairs, if I could just get up the stairs, I... (Suddenly sees just how long said stairs really are, much to his dismay.) Aaaaaw, fuck...!
Alucard: Come on! You were talking all of that good shit a second ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!
Alucard: What's wrong demi-god? Just grow back your legs, (As he SMASHES the leg in his hand!) summon up your demons, hit me; FIGHT ME!!! Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? (Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ) OH GOD NO-!!!
[Cut to conferance room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. By the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]
Alucard (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!
Sir Shelby Penwood: Who... is that, exactly?
Sir Integra: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue with our funding?
Sir Shelby Penwood: Issue?
Sir Hugh Irons: What issue?
Sir Shelby Penwood: I don't see an issue.
Unknown: Shut up and take our money!!!
(Back at Integra's room)
Alucard: Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.
Sir Integra: Yes, everything turned out just fine, except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage.
Seras Victoria: What's a blood rage? ... and why don't I remember anything?
Alucard: Oh, that reminds me, for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them?
(Brief Pause once again.)
Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Sir Integra: No!
Alucard: Bet you I'm right!
Sir Integra: Bet you you're wrong!
Alucard: Bet you you're a skank~!
Sir Integra: Bet you you're an asshole!
Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
[Show ends; Cue "HELLSING ULTIMATE ABRIDGED" Title Card.]