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Narrator: This is the story about a world of adventure, a sea full of excitement and a man full of dreams and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top.
Monkey D. Luffy: My name is Monkey D. Luffy and I'm gonna be king of the...
[The screen flickers with static to reveal a room full of bloody corpses and two vampires appearing to be cuddling.]
Female Vampire: Oh, uh, oh yes! I love you Edward.
Edward: And I… love you… Bella.
[knocking on door]
Edward: Hold on. Who is it?
Alucard: Oh, you know... [shoots through the door, kills Edward, them withdraws his gun] ... a real fuckin' vampire!
Alucard: [speaking through Telepathy, because Black Magic.] Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?
Police Girl: OK, master, my name is Seras. And yes, I have the target in sight.
Alucard: [through Telepathy, still!] Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.
Police Girl: If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could--
Alucard: [appears standing behind Seras] She's getting away! She's running!
Police Girl: [eyes glow red] I get it, I'm lining up the--
Alucard: Going to miss it! Going to miss it!
Police Girl: Just be quiet and let me--
Alucard: Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!
Police Girl: [fires the sniper rifle and kills Bella] There! I took the fucking shot! She’s dead, there’s blood everywhere!
Alucard: ...Oh, you are just a treat.
[black screen with the caption "One Week Earlier"]
Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny. [reaches a field full of ghouls and a homicidal vampire priest holding Seras hostage]
Homicidal Priest: So, you came. Too bad you’re far too late.
Homicidal Priest: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her.
Homicidal Priest: But first, I’m going to rape her!
Homicidal Priest: But before I can do any of that... I’m going to kill you!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if you were… well, intimidating.
Homicidal Priest: Gr-r-r, are you mocking me?!
Alucard: Well, that should about wrap things up here.
Police Girl: Guh… gah…
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that tree, you’ll find a way to forgive me.
Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…
Alucard: Awww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*
Alucard: Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because you got nice tits.
[Several minutes later, Alucard reports back to Sir Integra Hellsing at the Hellsing mansion headquarters.]
Sir Integra Hellsing: So, that’s your field report?
Sir Integra Hellsing: You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.
Sir Integra Hellsing: You killed a homicidal vampire priest.
Sir Integra Hellsing: And then you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a big tittied--
Alucard: Big tittied police girl. Yes! It’s like I didn’t just get through explaining this. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got things to do.
Sir Integra Hellsing: What “things”? You don’t do “things”.
Alucard: Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
Sir Integra Hellsing: And kill homicidal vampire priests?
Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.
[black screen with the caption "One Week Later"]
Sir Integra Hellsing: So, that’s your field report?
Sir Integra Hellsing: So you broke into the house…
Sir Integra Hellsing: …and you shot him thirty-six times?
Sir Integra Hellsing: And took out his partner?
Alucard: To be fair, that was the police girl… with the big titties.
Sir Integra Hellsing: ...You need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Sir Integra Hellsing: Ugh! Listen; you have an assignment in Ireland.
Alucard: Ooooh… I’ve never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?!
Sir Integra Hellsing: Sweet Christ! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who’s taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.
Alucard: Awww, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!
Sir Integra Hellsing: Ah-ah-ah! None of the sass!
Alucard: Yes, MOM.
Alexander Anderson: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?
Father O’Mally’O’Connel’O’Carrol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan who is also Italian: [speaking in an Italian accent] Tell-a me, Anderson, what is your favorite thing to do?
Anderson: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!
Father O’Mally’O’Connel’O’Carrol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan who is also Italian: And-a killing-a vampires?
Anderson: Oh, just try to fucking stop me!
Father O’Mally’O’Connel’O’Carrol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan: And what about… Protestants?
Anderson: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane, so I can put'em in a hearse!
[cuts to an abandoned hospital in Ireland with Seras sitting outside]
Alucard: [shooting ghouls inside the hospital] Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there’s like… forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they explode! [gunshot] It’s just like House of the Dead, only like… a hundred times more awesome!
Police Girl: [bursts through the door] Fine! I’ll shoot some of the rotten bastards! Can’t be that much fun. [shoots a ghoul and her eyes glows red] Oh, fuck the hell, yes! [kills all the Ghouls while “Feel so Numb” by Rob Zombie plays]
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed by holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina. [sniffs around] Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. [Anderson walks in] Oh, if it isn’t the Catholic Church! And what’s this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
Anderson: Ah, and look at what we have here? A bloody heathen!
Alucard: Excuse me, but I’m a fuck-mothering vampire! I’ve killed a lot of people to get this title. I deserve to be called such!
Anderson: Well then, mind if I ask you your name?
Alucard: Only if you give yours first, papist.
Anderson: Fine, I’ll give you the courtesy. The name’s…
[cuts to the Hellsing mansion]
Walter: Alexander Anderson.
Sir Integra Hellsing: [briefly surprised] Oh, fuck all kinds of duck!
[cuts back to Ireland]
Anderson: You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world. You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later… except you won’t... ‘cause I’ll kills ‘ya! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Alucard: Oh, my, brilliant speech… and unoriginal. That’s totally from Boondock Saints.
Anderson: What?! No, it isn’t! I came up with it a week ago.
Alucard: Whatever. We’re here for the vampire.
Anderson: The only one left here is your sorry pale ass.
Police Girl: [recovering from her attack] Ghhhhhh…
Alucard: [to Seras] Yeah, yeah, give me a minute. [to Anderson] So, what do you want, anyways? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away.
Anderson: It is your corrupt I claim. It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath…
Alucard: Boondock... Saints. Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. Huh-huh… get it?
Anderson: OK, you know what? Fuck it. Knife.
Alucard: Knife? [gets stabbed by two bayonets]
Police Girl: Master!
Alucard: Boom! [shoots Anderson in the head] Headshot. Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho- [decapitated by Anderson while the word “Decapitation” is sung by Jack Black in Brutal Legend in the background]
Police Girl: Master…
Anderson: Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal Frankenbe… [notices that Seras ran away] Son of a protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is! [draws two bayonets while the word “RAPE” appears on the screen in uppercase white letters]
Police Girl: [walking away, bleeding and carrying Alucard's severed head] See... this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.
Alucard: [Thinking] Police girl… Poli-i-i-ice Girl, you are reading your master’s mind. Put my head between your boobs!
Police Girl: [holds Alucard's head close to her chest] Now I’m all alone… The only one I had left was you.
Alucard: [muffled in Seras' breasts] Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is... put me between your legs! [A bayonet suddenly is wailed at Alucard's head, which impales it into a wall.] God damn it!
Anderson: It’s a shame for you lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.
Police Girl: What do I do? What do I do?! I… I could try seducing him… wait, no! I’m not an eight-year old boy! SHIT!
Anderson: Say your prayers, wee lass!
[Gunshots suddenly are fired and destroy Anderson’s bayonets. They were revealed to be fired by Sir Integra Hellsing.]
Sir Integra Hellsing: That girl belongs to me!
Anderson: Well, aren’t you the naughty one?
Sir Integra Hellsing: Don’t make me shoot you in the fucking head!
Anderson: What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard?
Sir Integra Hellsing: I’m a woman.
Anderson: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy protestant bastard.
Sir Integra Hellsing: You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.
Anderson: And what part would that be?
Sir Integra Hellsing: The part where you’re here… killing my men!
[Anderson kills Sir Integra's escorts before attacking her.]
Escort 1: Hua!
Escort 2: Walgh!
Anderson: I have no idea what chou’re on about. I’m just here doin’ my job! Killin’ vampires ‘n’ werewolves an’ leprechauns. I never actually found one but do you think if I cut one open with my knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?
Sir Integra Hellsing: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?!
Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
Sir Integra Hellsing: Killed him?
Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
Sir Integra Hellsing: Oh! Well, that’s step one… what about two through ten?
Anderson: Ah, Christ!
[Alucard regenerates in a shot of splendor and magnificence. (read: Awesomeness)]
Alucard: You done goofed.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that’s how.
Anderson: [quickly opens a bible] You know what? I’ve had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens! [uses the pages to teleport out of the hospital]
Alucard: Eat me! Don’t forget to write!
Police Girl: Oh… oh, my God… We survived!
Sir Integra Hellsing: What?
Alucard: Do I get to go after him?
Sir Integra Hellsing: No.
Alucard: Aw, come on!
Sir Integra Hellsing: No, and that’s final! We’ve got bigger things to worry about. Whoever’s behind these vampire attacks... it has to be some kind of large organized group.
Alucard: Like the Nazis?
Sir Integra Hellsing: That would be retarded.
The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… vill have var!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*
Nazis: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!