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Hellsing Ultimate Abridged

Title

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is a fan-made parody version of the Hellsing Ultimate OVA which aims to abridge the series' plot comically.

Most characters and plots remain relatively unchanged, though some aspects of the original series have been altered for entertainment purposes.

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is owned, edited and originally uploaded onto YouTube by Takahata101, a member of TeamFourStar. All 4 episodes have over 10 million views altogether, hence making it the most popular parody-dubbed of the Hellsing series.

The opening theme for the series is Party Party Party by Andrew W.K. originally first used on Aqua Teen Hunger Force that was aired on Cartoon Network and developed by Adult Swim.

PlotEdit

"Psych, Hitler!"Edit

While on a walk with the Police Girl, Alucard encounters vampiric couple Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, the former he promptly kills while proclaiming himself as a "real fucking vampire". Outside, as Bella is fleeing, Alucard annoys the Police Girl into shooting Bella, despite her pleas that she was busy lining up the shot. Seras caves in and kills Bella in a small bloodrage. 

One week earlier, Alucard takes his usual walk and encounters a vampiric priest and his army of ghouls. Assuming that Alucard was there to stop him, the priest boasts about turning the entire town into ghouls and planning to rape a pre-vampiric Police Girl after killing Alucard. In response, Alucard shoots through the Police Girl's heart to kill the priest. Alucard attempts to apologize for shooting the Police Girl, but is wooed by her "blonde eviscerated puppy" look and turns her into a vampire.

In the present, Alucard reports to Integra about killing Edward and Bella, much to Integra's irritation over Alucard's random encounters on his walks. Integra then sends Alucard to a mansion to kill the vampire stalking the nearby town.

Meanwhile, Father O'MalleyO'ConnelO'CarrollO'ReillyO'BrianO'Sullivan (who is also Italian) sends Alexander Anderson to the same mansion Alucard and the Police Girl were sent to.

At said mansion, Alucard once again annoys the Police Girl into joining him in killing the ghouls, sending her into a bloodrage in the process while arousing Alucard more than usual. Anderson then appears, explaining that the vampire Alucard was sent to kill is nowhere to be found and Anderson believes Alucard to be the vampire himself. As Alucard mocks Anderson with pedophilia jokes, Anderson attempts to dramatically introduce himself with a speech he claimed to come up with a week ago, though Alucard cites that it is from The Boondock Saints. Meanwhile, Integra is informed of Anderson's involvement.

After bickering with immaturity, Anderson decapitates Alucard after he shoots him in the head. The Police Girl runs off with Alucard's head as Anderson implies that he plans to rape her. Anderson catches up to the Police Girl while she is telepathically commanded by Alucard's head to put him between her legs, only to be interrupted by one of Anderson's bayonets, much to Alucard's ire. Before she can be killed, the Police Girl is saved by Integra, who chastises Anderson for breaching their agreement over territory and killing each other, to which Anderson proceeds to violate more by killing Integra's bodyguards.

As Anderson boasts about killing Alucard, Integra merely smiles as Alucard reforms, much to Anderson's confusion. Anderson then leaves. Left alone, Alucard and Integra discuss who could be responsible for the amount of vampires appearing, to which Alucard suggests the Nazis could be behind the plot. Integra dismisses it as "retarded".

Meanwhile, the Major assembles his men for the upcoming war he plans.

"Bullet From Your Valentine"Edit

After screwing up a job by leaving a high school infested with zombies, Integra commands Alucard to stay in his dungeon until her meeting with the Parliament's financial councils (or Old Assholes, as the description credits). Alucard objects and decides to go for another walk. However, Integra bribes him by agreeing to give him a new gun, a cannon for the Police Girl (to which he remarked "Bitches love cannons"), and a 70 inch plasma screen TV with Netflix.

Soon, Integra meets with the council, who proceed to name a lengthy list of financial troubles that are mostly (if not all) caused by Alucard. Integra is angered by the situation she is stuck in and begs for something to end it as soon as possible.

Outside the Hellsing property, Luke and Jan Valentine discuss Jan's sexual encounter with Luke's ex-girlfriend, who overdosed on heroine whilst giving him a blowjob. The two kill the two guards at the gates and prepare to enter.

As the boring meeting continues, it is interrupted by sudden power surges, which the front desk explains is caused by vampires and an army of ghouls before being killed by said ghouls. After the escape helicopter is destroyed, Integra calls Communications, who reads a rather crude note by Jan before being killed by the latter. Integra then quickly calls Alucard for assistance, but the vampire spitefully refuses to come up, sarcastically following Integra's orders to not come out of his room, and mentioning the bribes she gave him. Alucard then hangs up, having started to watch Adventure Time on Netflix. Enraged, Integra instead calls Walter for assistance.

Meanwhile, Luke finds Alucard's room, as it was easy since there was a large group of guards at the entrance. Walter and the Police Girl arrive through the ducts, ready to aid in defending Integra from Jan and his ghouls. Walter incapacitates several of the ghouls before they enter a phalanx that Jan describes as "half as thick as [his] dick" and would require an anti-tank rifle to penetrate. On cue, Police Girl decimates the forces with the cannon Alucard made Integra give her.

As Alucard watches Jake the Dog laugh, Luke interrupts his fun by blowing up his TV. Alucard becomes enraged at both his new TV's destruction and Luke "sucking [his] dick" and challenges the vampire to a fight.

Jan manages to escape from Walter and the Police Girl's grasp and runs for the meeting room, where Integra and the other Old Assholes blow him to bits with their high power revolvers. Integra then interrogates a weakened Jan, who reveals his bosses were Nazis. 

Meanwhile, Luke brags about his powers outweighing Alucard's own, refering to himself as a "demigod". Alucard quickly shows the "demigod" up by releasing his Level One restraint and shooting both of his legs off. Alucard mocks Luke for bragging about his supposed superiority and berates him for destroying his TV. 

As Alucard violently devours a screaming Luke, the sounds of the brutality is presented to the council, who become frightened by the fact that they are hearing the Alucard they had so much financial troubles with and give Integra all the money she needs.

In the aftermath, dozens of the guards on the premises are dead and Integra is forced to endure the fact that Alucard is right about Nazis being the masterminds, though she continues to deny it.

"TheCrimsonFuckr"Edit

Many years ago, Abraham Van Helsing stands before a defeated Alucard. Victorious, Van Helsing demands to see what Alucard has to say about all the horrible atrocities and devastation he had committed now that he is defeated. Alucard weakly replies "The aristocrats..." before Van Helsing angrily drives the stake in his chest further in. Awaking from the dream, Alucard realizes it is orientation day and frightens the newly hired mercenaries led by Pip by phasing through the wall.

After the mercenaries have calmed down, Alucard is highly amused to find that the mercenaries are French. Walter then informs Integra that Enrico Maxwell has invited her for a talk at a museum. There, Maxwell and Integra insult one another before Alucard and Anderson are called in. To prevent any damage, the Police Girl arrives with a large group of elders to come between the two. With his boner gone, Alucard decides to hold off his conflict with Anderson, who agrees rather casually.

Maxwell reveals that he has information concerning Millenium, the organization that was responsible for damaging the Hellsing property and sending the vampires. In return for the information, Maxwell has Integra apologize for Alucard's multiple threat letters to the Pope, which she grudgingly does.

Integra discovers Millenium conducting activity in Brazil, though she doubts Alucard would go if she told him to. Walter then tricks Alucard into going by explaining to him that he has vacation days, but Integra forbids him to go to Brazil. In response, Alucard heads there to spite his boss.

At Brazil, Alucard orders the hotel's penthouse, despite it being reserved for Chevy Chase. After settling in, it is not long before Alucard finds himself in trouble, much to Integra's rage. Alucard attempts to explain that he was simply relaxing before SWAT teams entered to arrest him. He promptly provoked them into shooting him before he destroys the team. Alucard is optimistic as he can now cancel his room service because of this.

Meanwhile, the heads of the police force ask Tublacain "Dandy Man" Alahambra if everything is okay at the penthouse. Dandy Man assures them that the forces they sent are fine and that his promise to give them immortality is true. 

Up at the penthouse, Integra desperately orders Police Girl to not allow Alucard to leave, though he already did to "go for a walk", much to Integra's horror. Alucard annhilates the rest of the SWAT teams, impaling them on the flag poles in front of the hotel. Outside, Dandy Man confronts Alucard and attacks him, both making card puns in the process. Integra is irked at the fact that Alucard is purposely killing civilians under the guise of missing Dandy Man, who is dodging the shots.

Meanwhile, Pip kills the corrupt heads of the Police.

On the roof of the hotel, Dandy Man bets Alucard that he can kill him with one hand, which the vampire agrees. After the first initial attack, Alucard activates his "Alu-Card" (aka releasing another restraint level). With the Police Girl's help, Alucard manages to defeat Dandy Man and read his mind by drinking all of his blood. Doing so, Alucard discovers to his amusement that Nazis are indeed responsible and tweets about it. Integra is further annoyed that Alucard comfirmed his theory.

Meanwhile, the Major joys at the Dandy Man's demise and Hellsing's discovery of their existance. However, he is not worried as he is fully prepared, complete with zeppelins.

"Trigger Warning"Edit

Integra is forced by Alucard to admit he was right, to which Alucard responds to with an orgasm. After Integra angrily hangs up, Anderson appears, attacking Alucard before informing them of a jet the Vatican had supplied them to return to England with. Before departure, Alucard infuriates Anderson by revealing he had hung a huge banner on the Jesus statue that reads "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS".

Back in England, the Vatican are still having trouble taking the banner down when Alucard arrives. He then meets the Queen of England, whom he exchanges sexual smalltalk with. In response, Shelby Penwood swears to abstinence out of disgust. 

Alucard then recounts "Operation: Kraut Control" to those present at the meeting, when Walter was fifteen and Alucard was a girl (a guy named Reggie questions the Queen's sexuality in response, much to Alucard's annoyance). The duo managed to stop The Major's plan to create a vampiric Nazi army, though few have managed to survive into the present. Right on cue, Schrodinger appears to bring a message from The Major. Integra and everyone else is shocked at how Schrodinger managed to get past their dozen guards, who Alucard presumably accidentally killed. 

When presented with The Major, Alucard bursts out laughing at how he was still "so fucking fat" and that he was like a "Nazi Louis C.K.". As The Major greets everyone, he also reveals that the Vatican helped him and his company escape from Germany during the war, explaining the information Enrico Maxwell presented to Integra. The Major attempts to reveal ultimate plan, though everyone already knows that it is "Nazi army." As The Major threatens war, Schrodinger flirts with Police Girl, telling her "we would make beautiful children". Alucard shoots him in response, accidentally starting a war. After shooting the television displaying The Major, Schrodinger's body and blood mysteriously vanish.

The Major revels in the coming war that Alucard started and initiates his plan to head into the English channel. An English aircraft carrier is hijacked by a vampire named Lieutenent Violent in preparation for Rip Van Winkle's arrival. After Rip Van Winkle quirkily makes Violent feel like "a total cunt", she kills him after making him "check [his] privilege".

Back in England, Penwood briefs Integra on the hijacking of the ship, presenting satellite photos of a message on the deck that says "The cake is a lie", to Integra's confusion. The one person in the room who understands the reference then announces that the two assault helicopters sent to intercept the ship are destroyed. In desperation, Penwood pleads for Hellsing's aid, to which Integra observes would have saved Penwood more men if he asked in the first place.

Discussing the approach to the ship, Integra and Walter decide the best way to intercept it is an attack from above. Alucard recommends the Lockheed SR71 Blackbird, which was on his Christmas list.

On the ship, Rip Van Winkle annoys the vampiric crew by singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley, which she stops when she senses Alucard's approach. Despite Van Winkle's best attempts at bringing the aircraft down, Alucard still forces it down on the ship, killing all the crew on board except for Rip Van Winkle. 

Confronting her, Rip attempts to intimidate him by calling him out as a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig". After catching and destroying her magic bullet, Alucard fully counters her claims with the facts that "[his] boss is a woman, [he] was a chick in the '40s, [he] hates everyone equally, and there is no one alive who can comprehend [his] sexual preferences". Alucard then kills Rip Van Winkle by driving her rifle through her chest, remarking that "bitches love cannons".

Meanwhile, The Major applauds the success of trapping Alucard on the ship and puts his plans into motion as Police Girl and Pip watches the approaching zeppelins from the Hellsing mansion.

Character BiosEdit

Major CharactersEdit

AlucardEdit

This depiction of Alucard is considerably more sarcastic and rude than his original counterpart, often disrespecting or mocking his enemies in a vulgar fashion. For example, before he killed Edward in Episode One, he said, "A real fucking vampire," after Edward asked, "Who is it?" Another example is shown during his conversation with Luke Valentine in episode two, where he states the latter was "sucking my (Alucard's) dick" and "trying to impress me (Alucard) like I'm his (Luke's) alchoholic father." Also, unlike the original Alucard, this one often disrespects Sir Integra, even calling her a "total bitch" once. He also claims that he only saved Seras from death because she "had huge tits". He is also shown to be quite childish, as when Integra stated he had a mission in Ireland, he says "I've never hunted a Leprachaun before!" and wonders if the Leprechaun would explode Lucky Charms if he shot it.  He also turned all of the paintings in the hallway sideways simply to annoy Integra. The only people he is shown to be respectful (or at least friendly) towards is Walter and the Queen of England, who is still attracted to him.

Seras VictoriaEdit

This version of Seras Victoria is not much different than her Anime self, although she is shown to be quite sarcastic and easily frustrated. She is also shown to lose control to her Vampire instincts easier than her Anime counterpart, an example of such being present in Episode One, where she snaps after shooting one Ghoul in the head ("Oh, fuck-the-hell YES!"). Opposed to the manga and OVA, Alucard in the Abridged Series only changed Seras (or at least that's what he claims) into a vampire because "you've (Seras) got nice tits". She is also never refered to by name, the others always just calling her, "Police Girl".

Integra HellsingEdit

As with Seras, this Integra is not much different than the original, but it is seen that she is frustrated by Alucard's often childish behavior. In Episode Two, she is forced to bribe him into staying in the basement during her meeting with their budget commitee by giving him and Seras new guns while also giving Alucard a 70-inch plasma TV with Netflix. She later calls him a 'total ass' after he rudely (calling her a "total bitch") denies helping her and the commitee by reminding her that he was bribed into staying in the basement and also stating that he was busy watching Adventure Time on Netflix.

Alexander AndersonEdit

The abridged version of Alexander Anderson is vastly different than his Anime counterpart. Like the original, he is a devoted servant of God. Unlike the original, he is shown to be bordering on insanity, and relishes killing Vampires and Protestants. His original Scottish accent in the anime is also replaced with an Irish accent in the abridged version.

He also states his favorite cereal is Frankenberries and according to Alucard, he uses lines from Boondock Saints in his speeches. He often calls people 'heathens' and apparently likes calling people 'crazy Protestant bastards', as he called Integra this twice. Like Alucard, Anderson wonders if Leprechauns are filled with Lucky Charms and would spill them if he'd cut one with his knives.

Minor CharactersEdit

Luke ValentineEdit

Luke has a rather small role in this series, appearing only twice before his fight with Alucard. His personality is mostly unaltered from the original. The first time, he is shown talking to Jan, listening to him complain about how a 'hooker OD'd on heroin while blowing him (Jan)', which prompted Luke to state that he doesn't like discussing his ex-girlfriend with Jan. He is later seen killing some guards that were standing outside the secret passage leading into Alucard's chamber. After a brief phone conversation with Jan, which ended with Jan saying he was going to 'skull fuck' his ghouls, Luke jokingly states that "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family". Luke then destroys Alucard's television, which enrages him. In the brief conversation with Alucard before their fight, Luke is humiliated by him several times and, before he is devoured by Alucard, is only able to say "What the fuck?!" due to his extreme fear.

Jan ValentineEdit

This version of Jan is almost exactly like his Anime counterpart, with only subtle differences. For example, instead of telling Integra and the commitee that he was coming by announcing it himself over the microphone, he has a terrified worker do it for him by reading what he wanted said off of a slip of paper. He then kills the worker and laughs loudly. Like his counterpart, this Jan often makes crude sexual comments, such as saying that his Ghouls armor was 'half as thick as his dick' and that Walter would need at least an anti-tank rifle to pierce it. After being defeated by Integra and the commitee, he witnesses Seras kill his remaining Ghouls, which prompts him to say "at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner".

Walter C. DornezEdit

This Walter is exactly like the original, with the only differences being the dialouge. In Episode One, he has a brief role, appearing once to inform Integra of Alexander Anderson, to which she replied 'oh fuck all kinds of duck'. He has a larger role in Episode Two, as he participated in the battle against Jan and his Ghouls. So far, he is the only one in the series to whom Alucard does not talk insultingly.

Edward and BellaEdit

Appearing in the begining of Episode One, Edward is killed by Alucard and Bella is killed by Seras. Instead of this being their mission, Alucard states that he and Seras were simply taking a walk and happened to walk by the house their victims were in. This is supposed to be based off a grim, black version Twilight until Alucard breaks in, shoots Edward "37" times with his .454 Casull Auto and stabs him with his hand, thus making him explode and turn into a blood cross (crucifix). Alucard then quotes that he is "a real fucking vampire".

The MajorEdit

The Major appears briefly at the end of Episode One, talking to his Nazi followers. He doesn't appear to be much different than the original, other than his accent being slightly thicker. In Episode 3, he reveals that he meant for Alucard to discover their existence and that he didn't care for Alahambra to live anyways, as he already has a ridiculously planned contingency for Hellsing's plans against them.

Rip Van WinkleEdit

Rip Van Winkle appears in Episode Four, where her relevance to the plot is similar to the original series. She also serves as a parody of various internet subcultures most associated with the website Tumblr. Besides overusing popular memes (to the exasperation of her men, who see her as desperate for attention) and fandom jokes, she uses phrases associated with social justice communities (most notably urging the captain to "check [his] privilege," in response to his sexist language), which the title of the episode ("trigger warning") also alludes to. She is initiially terrified of Alucard, though she both underestimates him and judgmentally calls him a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig." Alucard responds by pointing out that none of those labels apply to him (his boss is a woman, he was a chick in the 40's, he hates everyone equally, and there's no one alive who can comprihend his sexual preference), and before he kills her (ironically) tells her to check her own privilege.

Front Desk GuyEdit

Appears in Episode Two, telling Integra about the oncoming threat of Ghouls. This doens't even phase him until he is about to be killed by said Ghouls, which makes him yell "Oh my, God!"

Terrified Communications WorkerEdit

Also apearing in Episode Two, he tearily reads Jan's handwritten dialouge paper before being killed by Jan. Apparently, in order to get him to comply, Jan shot one of his testicles. He's also apparently ginger.

Integra's GuardsEdit

Both killed by Anderson in Episode One.

ReferencesEdit

  • The series starts with a vampire couple kissing. The female vampire is called "Bella" and the male is called "Edward". This is a reference to the Twilight series.
  • When Alucard shoots Seras Victoria through the heart to kill the vampire priest, part of the song "You Give Love A Bad Name" by Bon Jovi is played.
  • On the first episode, Alucard equates his situation to House of the Dead, except, "a thousand times more awesome".
  • Alexander Anderson quotes Boondock Saints, twice, which Alucard calls out as being such.
  • After Alucard's head is cut off, Eddie Riggs' (Voiced by Jack Black in the video game, Brutal Legend) voice can be heard saying "Decapitatiooon."
  • Alucard and Alexander Anderson both ask Integra if she thinks Leprechauns would spill out Lucky Charms if they shot/stabbed them.
  • Both Frankenberry and Count Chocula are mentioned in the first episode by Alexander and Alucard, stating that they're their favorite cereals respectively.
  • Instead of reciting passages from the Holy Bible while chasing Seras, Anderson recites a slightly altered version of the chorus of "Written in My Face" by Jim Johnston and Sean Jenness.
  • At the start of the second episode, Integra asks Alucard how his mission in Japan was, which he replies to by saying that it was 99.9% done. Footage from the Highschool of the Dead anime is shown.
  • When Integra mentions Alucard killing "at least a dozen innocent people," Alucard responds by stating that Anthony Hopkins got away with the same thing and won and Oscar for it, possibly referencing his role in Silence of the Lambs as Hannibal Lecter.
  • Dairy Queen is mentioned in a list of Alucard's damages.
  • Alucard watches Adventure Time on Netflix.
  • When Luke Valentine confronts Alucard, the latter states "And I'm Carmen Sandiego, guess where I am!"
  • When Seras is ripping through ghouls, Rob Zombie's Dragula is playing.
  • On speaker phone, as Alucard is eviscerating Luke, he narrates as if he is hosting Epic Meal Time.
  • Jan references different names of famous fictional butlers when talking to Walter.
  • A song from the God of War III OST plays while Alucard fights against Luke.
  • At the beginning of the third episode, Alucard simply states to Van Helsing (the original) that he (Van Helsing) is quoting the Aristocrats
  • On the third episode , Alucard says "Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?" Which could be a reference to Stand by Me in which Vern Tessio asks a similar question.
  • Enrico Maxwell, during his exchange with Integra, states that Integra's church has had no problems exploiting Rupert Murdoch.
  • The song "I Know You Want Me" by Pitbull plays while Alucard, Pip and Seras are travelling to Brazil.
  • Alucard hypnotizes a hotel attendant and makes him say that White Chicks was amazing.
  • Alucard also hypnotizes the attendant into saying that Chevy Chase is an asshole.
  • A news reporter says Alucard looks like Ozzy Osbourne.
  • Alucard screams "Hit me with your best shot!" which is a line and the title of a song by Pat Benatar.
  • Both Tubalcain "The Dandy Man" Alhambra and Alucard make references to Yu-Gi-Oh, stating, "You activated my trap card." and "You activated my Alu-Card." (A pun on the former) respectively.
  • As Alucard, Seras and Pip open the doors to their meeting with the queen, the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks is played.
  • Alucard calls the queen "Betty", which is most likely a nickname to Queen Elizabeth. He also references Princess Diana.
  • The march that plays when The Major finally appears on-screen is the Prussian Königgrätzer Marsch.
  • Rip Van Winkle writes "The cake is a lie" on the ship instead of a swastika cross. This is a reference to the video game Portal.
  • Rip Van Winkle sings "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.
  • While Van Winkle is singing, a Nazi soldier on the bridge comments that the last song was "about the ponies and the friendship and the wrapping of the winter", a reference to the song "Winter Wrap Up" from the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The song itslef may also have been an injoke at the abridged voice actress for Seras Victoria, Nowhacking, who also voiced the pony Vinyl Scratch in several MLP fan animations, most notibly Epic Wub Time: Muscians of Ponyville.
  • The song "Shoot To Thrill" by AC/DC is played while Alucard attacks the ship taken over by Millenium.

TriviaEdit

  • Alucard kills the Cheddar Priest because he happened to be walking by.
  • Alucard only changed Seras Victoria into a vampire because of her breasts, which are enormous.
  • Integra states that someone must go through ten steps to kill Alucard, the first of which is decapitation.
  • Alucard often bluntly disrespects everybody.
  • Sir Integra gets dizzy if all the pictures in a hallway are tilted.
  • Seras suffers from both Pteromerhanophobia and claustrophobia: a fear of flying and tight spaces respectively.
  • Alucard often makes derogatory remarks to the Catholic religion, stating "it reeks of hypocrisy" in here when Anderson first arrives, as well as making several Catholic Priest pedophile jokes, such as "the nearest elementary school is ten kilometers from here".
  • Alucard also calls Tubalcain Alhambra (The Dandy Man) "Dandy Dick" briefly after he misses an attack.
  • Unlike in the OVA and manga, Alhambra's nationality is guessed at by The Major, who calls him "a brazilian dog". This is erroneous, due to the usage of Spanish instead of Brazil's native Portuguese. Of course, this could be due to Antfish's possible lack of knowledge of Portuguese, but nothing to fault him over.
  • The queen is nicknamed "Betty", as in Elizabeth II by Alucard. In the original series, the queen never gets named.
  • The Queen most likely spent time with Alucard when he was a woman (Girlycard) by the time line given.

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