Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is a fan-made parody version of the Hellsing Ultimate OVA which aims to abridge the series' plot comically.
Most characters and plots remain relatively unchanged, though some aspects of the original series have been altered for entertainment purposes.
Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is owned, edited and originally uploaded onto YouTube by Takahata101, a member of TeamFourStar. All 7 episodes have over 15 million views altogether, hence making it the most popular parody-dubbed of the Hellsing series.
The opening theme for the first four episodes of the series is Party Party Party by Andrew W.K., originally first used on Aqua Teen Hunger Force that was aired on Cartoon Network and developed by Adult Swim. The fifth episode uses War! by Edwin Starr. The sixth and seventh episode, however, do not use an opening theme, but instead just show the Hellsing Ultimate Abridged titlecard.
While on a walk with the Police Girl, Alucard encounters vampiric couple Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, the former he promptly kills while proclaiming himself as a "real fucking vampire". Outside, as Bella is fleeing, Alucard annoys the Police Girl into shooting Bella, despite her pleas that she was busy lining up the shot. Seras caves in and kills Bella in a small bloodrage.
One week earlier, Alucard takes his usual walk and encounters a vampiric priest and his army of ghouls. Assuming that Alucard was there to stop him, the priest boasts about turning the entire town into ghouls and planning to rape a pre-vampiric Police Girl after killing Alucard. In response, Alucard shoots through the Police Girl's heart to kill the priest. Alucard attempts to apologize for shooting the Police Girl, but is wooed by her "blonde eviscerated puppy" look and turns her into a vampire.
In the present, Alucard reports to Integra about killing Edward and Bella, much to Integra's irritation over Alucard's random encounters on his walks. Integra then sends Alucard to a mansion to kill the vampire stalking a hospital in Ireland.
Meanwhile, Father O'MalleyO'ConnelO'CarrollO'ReillyO'BrianO'Sullivan (who is also Italian) sends Alexander Anderson to the same hospital Alucard and the Police Girl were sent to.
At said hospital, Alucard once again annoys the Police Girl into joining him in killing the ghouls, sending her into a bloodrage in the process which arouses Alucard more than usual. Anderson then appears, explaining that the vampire Alucard was sent to kill is already dead. As Alucard mocks Anderson with pedophilia jokes, Anderson attempts to dramatically introduce himself with a speech he claimed to come up with a week ago, though Alucard cites that it is from The Boondock Saints. Meanwhile, Integra is informed of Anderson's involvement.
After bickering with immaturity, Anderson decapitates Alucard after he shoots him in the head. The Police Girl runs off with Alucard's head as Anderson implies that he plans to "rape" her(Rape in this case meaning: "Completely and utterly destroy"). Anderson catches up to the Police Girl while she is telepathically commanded by Alucard's head to put him between her legs, only to be interrupted by one of Anderson's bayonets, much to Alucard's irritation. Before she can be killed, the Police Girl is saved by Integra, who chastises Anderson for breaching their agreement over territory and killing each other, to which Anderson proceeds to violate more by killing Integra's bodyguards.
As Anderson boasts about killing Alucard, Integra merely smiles as Alucard reforms, much to Anderson's confusion. Anderson then leaves. Left alone, Alucard and Integra discuss who could be responsible for the amount of vampires appearing, to which Alucard suggests the Nazis could be behind the plot. Integra dismisses it as "retarded".
But as it turns out... it is the Nazis, as the Major assembles his men for the upcoming war he plans, though he is interrupted by a massive sneeze.
"Bullet From Your Valentine"Edit
After coming back from clearing a high school infested with zombies in Japan (with Alucard claiming his mission is 99-98% done), Integra commands Alucard to stay in his dungeon until her meeting with the Parliament's financial councils (or Old Assholes, as the description credits) concludes. Alucard objects and decides to go for another walk, claiming she is incapable of stopping him. However, Integra bribes him by agreeing to give him a new gun, a cannon for the Police Girl (to which he remarked "Bitches love cannons"), and a 70 inch plasma screen TV with Netflix.
Soon, Integra meets with the council, who proceed to name a lengthy list of financial troubles that are mostly (if not all) caused by Alucard, especially painting her father's antique car with goat's blood and ramming it into a Dairy Queen and leaving the message "I wanted to paint the car red but i didn't find enough goats.". Integra is greatly annoyed by the situation she is stuck in and mentally begs for something to end it as soon as possible.
Outside the Hellsing property, Luke and Jan Valentine discuss Jan's sexual encounter with Luke's ex-girlfriend, who overdosed on heroin whilst giving him a blowjob. The two kill the two guards at the gates and prepare to enter with an army of armed ghouls, which Jan claims are exchange students from Texas.
As the boring meeting continues, it is interrupted by sudden power surges, which the front desk explains is caused by vampires and an army of ghouls before being killed by said ghouls. After the escape helicopter is destroyed, Integra calls Communications, who is forced into reading a rather disturbing note by Jan before being killed by the latter. Integra then quickly calls Alucard for assistance, but the vampire spitefully refuses to come up, sarcastically following Integra's orders to not come out of his room, and mentioning the bribes she gave him. Alucard then hangs up, having started to watch Adventure Time on Netflix. Enraged, Integra instead calls Walter for assistance.
Meanwhile, Luke finds Alucard's room, as it was easy since there was a large group of guards at the entrance. Walter and the Police Girl arrive through the ducts, ready to aid in defending Integra from Jan and his ghouls. Walter incapacitates several of the ghouls before they enter a phalanx that Jan describes as "half as thick as [his] dick" and would require an anti-tank rifle to penetrate. On cue, Police Girl decimates the forces with the cannon Alucard made Integra give her. After she shoots the cannon, Jan quotes: "Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle, OH FUCK! THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!"
As Alucard watches Jake the Dog laugh, Luke interrupts his fun by blowing up his TV. Alucard becomes "very agitated" at his new TV's destruction and quickly goads Luke into a fight, describing him as "a blonde little shit who's trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father! Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?"
Jan manages to escape from Walter and the Police Girl's grasp (while literally losing his arm and telling them to shove it up thir asses) and runs for the meeting room, where Integra and the other Old Assholes blow him to bits with their high power revolvers. Integra then interrogates a weakened Jan, who-before he is incinerated by his employers reveals his bosses were Nazis, which everyone then pretends they didn't hear.
Meanwhile, Luke brags about his powers outweighing Alucard's own, referring to himself as a "demigod". Alucard quickly shows the "demigod" up by releasing his Level One restraint and shooting both of his legs off. Alucard mocks Luke for bragging about his supposed superiority and berates him for destroying his TV. While doing this, he quotes: "people normally say that TV makes you violent, but i say that not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!"
As Alucard violently devours a screaming Luke, the sounds of the brutality is presented to the council, who become frightened by the fact that they are hearing the Alucard they had so much financial troubles with and give Integra all the money she needs.
In the aftermath, dozens of the guards on the premises are dead and Integra is forced to endure the fact that Alucard is right about Nazis being the masterminds, though she continues to deny it.
Many years ago, Abraham Van Helsing stands before a defeated Alucard. Victorious, Van Helsing demands to see what Alucard has to say about all the horrible atrocities and devastation he had committed now that he is defeated. Alucard weakly replies "The aristocrats..." before Van Helsing angrily drives the stake in his chest further. Awaking from the dream, Alucard realizes it is orientation day and frightens the newly hired mercenaries led by Pip by phasing through the wall.
After the mercenaries have calmed down, Alucard is highly amused to find that the mercenaries are French; Sir Integra was forced to post mortality rates and the mercenaries were the only ones to reply. Walter then informs Integra that Enrico Maxwell has invited her for a talk at a museum (and that Alucard tilted the paintings in the hallway). There, Maxwell and Integra insult one another before Alucard and Anderson are called in. To prevent any damage, the Police Girl arrives with a large group of elders to come between the two. With his boner gone, Alucard decides to hold off his conflict with Anderson, who agrees rather casually.
Maxwell reveals that he has information concerning Millennium, the organization that was responsible for damaging the Hellsing property and sending the vampires. In return for the information, Maxwell has Integra apologize for Alucard's multiple threat letters to the Pope, which she grudgingly does.
Integra discovers Millenium conducting activity in Brazil, though she doubts Alucard would go if she told him to. Walter then tricks Alucard into going by explaining to him that he has vacation days, but Integra forbids him to go to Brazil. In response, Alucard heads there to spite his boss.
Once in Brazil, Alucard hypnotizes the receptionist and orders the hotel's penthouse, despite it being reserved for Chevy Chase. Pip attempts to befriend him, but Alucard dismisses him as "spare blood". After settling in, it is not long before Alucard finds himself in trouble, much to Integra's rage. Alucard attempts to explain that he was simply relaxing before SWAT teams entered to arrest him. He promptly provoked them into shooting him before he destroys the team. Alucard is optimistic as he can now cancel his room service because of this.
Meanwhile, the heads of the police force ask Tublacain "Dandy Man" Alahambra if everything is okay at the penthouse. Dandy Man assures them that the forces they sent are fine and that his promise to give them immortality is true.
Up at the penthouse, Integra desperately orders Police Girl to not allow Alucard to leave, though he already did to "go for a walk", much to Integra's horror. Alucard annhilates the rest of the SWAT teams, impaling them on the flag poles in front of the hotel. Outside, Dandy Man confronts Alucard and attacks him, both making card puns in the process. Integra is irked at the fact that Alucard is killing civilians while trying to shoot the Dandy Man who is dodging all his shots.
Meanwhile, Pip kills the corrupt heads of the Police.
On the roof of the hotel, Dandy Man bets Alucard that he can kill him with one hand, which the vampire agrees. After the first initial attack, Alucard activates his "Alu-Card" (aka releasing another restraint level). With the Police Girl's help, Alucard manages to defeat Dandy Man and read his mind by drinking all of his blood. Doing so, Alucard discovers to his amusement that Nazis are indeed responsible and tweets about it. Integra is further annoyed that Alucard comfirmed his theory.
Meanwhile, the Major joys at the Dandy Man's demise and Hellsing's discovery of their existence. However, he is not worried as he is fully prepared, complete with zeppelins.
Integra is forced by Alucard to admit he was right, to which Alucard responds to with an orgasm. After Integra angrily hangs up, Anderson appears, attacking Alucard before informing them of a jet the Vatican had supplied them to return to England with. Before departure, Alucard infuriates Anderson by revealing he had hung a huge banner on the Cristo Redentor that reads "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS".
Back in England, the Vatican are still having trouble taking the banner down when Alucard arrives. He then meets the Queen of England, with whom he exchanges in sexual small-talk. In response, Shelby Penwood swears to abstinence out of disgust.
Alucard then recounts "Operation: Kraut Control" to those present at the meeting, when Walter was fifteen and Alucard was a girl (a guy named Reggie questions the Queen's sexuality in response, much to Alucard's annoyance). The duo managed to stop The Major's plan to create a vampiric Nazi army, though few have managed to survive into the present. Right on cue, a boy with cat ears appears to bring a message from The Major. Integra and everyone else is shocked at how Schrodinger managed to get past their dozen guards, who Alucard presumably accidentally killed.
When presented with The Major, Alucard bursts out laughing at how he was still "so fucking fat" and that he was like a "Nazi Louis C.K.". As The Major greets everyone, he also reveals that the Vatican helped him and his company escape from Germany during the war, explaining the information Enrico Maxwell presented to Integra. The Major attempts to reveal ultimate plan, though everyone already knows that it is "Nazi army." As The Major threatens war, Schrodinger flirts with Police Girl, telling her "we would make beautiful children". Alucard shoots him in response, The Major then uses this as an excuse to start the war. After shooting the television displaying The Major, Schrodinger's body and blood mysteriously vanish.
The Major revels in the coming war that Alucard started and initiates his plan to head into the English channel. An English aircraft carrier is hijacked by a vampire named Lieutenent Violent in preparation for Rip Van Winkle's arrival. After Rip Van Winkle quirkily makes Violent feel like "a total cunt", she kills him after making him "check [his] privilege". Alucard expresses to Walter that he is "positively throbbing" over the return of Milennium, saying that the three things he's most enjoyed killing are 1) his father, 2) Nazis, and 3) Ottoman Turks. Maxwell calls Anderson and informs him he and the Pope are preparing for a Crusade against Milennium, but are referring to it as a "peacekeeping" mission because they can't say Crusade anymore.
Back in England, Penwood briefs Integra on the hijacking of the ship, presenting satellite photos of a message on the deck that says "The cake is a lie", to Integra's confusion. The one person in the room who understands the reference then announces that the two assault helicopters sent to intercept the ship are destroyed. In desperation, Penwood pleads for Hellsing's aid, to which Integra observes would have saved Penwood more men if he asked in the first place.
Discussing the approach to the ship, Integra and Walter decide the best way to intercept it is an attack from above. Alucard recommends the Lockheed SR71 Blackbird, which was on his Christmas list.
On the ship, Rip Van Winkle annoys the vampiric crew by singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley, which she stops when she senses Alucard's approach. Despite Van Winkle's best attempts at bringing the aircraft down, Alucard still forces it down on the ship by crashing the exploding jet on to the ship, killing all the crew on board except for himself and Rip Van Winkle.
Confronting her, Rip attempts to intimidate him by calling him out as a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig" and peppering him with repeated strikes from her magic bullet. After catching and destroying her magic bullet, Alucard fully counters her claims with the facts that his boss is a woman, he was a chick in the '40s, he hate everyone equally, and there is no one alive who can comprehend his sexual preferences. Alucard then kills Rip Van Winkle by driving her rifle through her chest, remarking once again that "bitches love cannons".
Meanwhile, The Major applauds the success of trapping Alucard on the ship. He makes a speech explaining various kinds of war to explain his love for war (Class, Drugs, Race, Flame Wars via Internet, and even referencing the TV show "Storage Wars"). Finishing his speech, he declares to his Millenium Army that it's time to put his plans into motion, which comes down to the desire of starting "World War III". Police Girl and Pip watches the approaching zeppelins from the Hellsing mansion.
Back at the ship, Alucard laughs maniacally, ready for the war. He then says to himself, "I better not miss a damn thing".
"Lay Back and Think of Oblivion" Edit
The Major and Millenium arrive in London, much to the joy of his army and particularly a Nazi named Hans. The Major then announces his plans to annhilate London and burn its entirety to the ground (with the sole exception of the Holocaust Museum, as the Major wants their work to not be denied). One Nazi asks about London Bridge, to which the Major gives permission to sing "London Bridge is Falling Down" despite not caring. Accompanied by Edwin Starr's "War (What Is It Good For?)", Millenium lays waste to London.
At the British Security Council headquarters, Sir Penwood and Integra debate about getting Alucard off the ship. Sir Penwood asks why Alucard doesn't just fly back to London with his vampire powers when Integra counters that vampires can't fly. Penwood admits that communications had been down for two hours just as a group of armed vampires burst in. The leader of the group was revealed to be
Reggie Sir Reginald, who was in league with Millenium in exchange for retribution against Hellsing for wasting five years of his life "cleaning up after [Integra's] pet vampire". Integra was merely amused and finally empathized with Alucard's behavior towards other people (partially). Walter then kills all of the traitors.
As Sir Penwood was processing that Reginald, his brother-in-law, had betrayed their government, communications come back online. The guy who recognized Rip van Winkle's "The cake is a lie" message reports that London Bridge is falling down, falling down, London Bridge is falling down. Integra orders an evacuation (via carpool) and invites Penwood to ride with her and Walter. Penwood, deciding that he had been meek his entire life and now had a chance to make something of himself, refuses. Integra, however, was indifferent to his courageous sacrifice and simply gives him a pistol and twelve silver bullets (one of which is for him).
Back on his zeppelin, the Major orders former Olympic bodybuilder Zorin Blitz to do some recon on the Hellsing headquarters, causing a "calamity in her mammaries" because she wants to lay waste to Hellsing manor instead.
As Integra is grossed out by the mutilated bodies that her car is passing, Penwood sends out a radio message attempting to keep the citizens' hopes up. A Nazi group breaks in and mocks him for trying to maintain faith. Penwood counters with a pun about C4 and blows himself and the vampires up.
Briefly mourning Penwood's death, Integra and Walter find themselves cut off, as Primrose Hill has been set on fire by the Nazis. Walter tells Integra to leave him, as he needs to fend off the Captain while she escapes in the car. Despite not knowing how to drive due to Walter transporting her since ten years of age, Integra complies and orders Walter to come back to her. As soon as she leaves, Walter is cornered by the Major's zeppelin and captured.
Crashing into various objects, Integra is confronted by vampire Nazis, who cause her to crash. Hans attempts to kill her, but instead gets decapitated, much to the sorrow of his fellow Nazis. Integra mocks her attackers for having to team up to corner a twenty-two year old woman (to which the Nazis show shock that she is either). Integra draws her sword and beckons the vampires to fight her, only to be interrupted by the arrival of Alexander Anderson.
Anderson shows loud-mouthed amusement over Integra's courage and bluntness, stating he now knew why Alucard "wants to plow that virgin soil" and that he was feeling the same. Anderson then shows off his "posse" and two apprentices to Integra. He also laughs at how ironic that he had two-thirds of the original Axis of Power under his wing ("one's Japanese and the other one's fucking German") in the midst of a Nazi attack. Anderson and his fellow Iscariot members then proceed to slaughter the Nazis cornering Integra.
Back on the ship, Alucard has finished consuming Rip van Winkle and the vampire crew. He walks to the edge of the stow and smells that something was burning.
"Jour de Colère"Edit
Alexander Anderson and his coherts finish off the last of the Nazi Vampires, with Heinkel commenting that Anderson was running low on bayonettes before abruptly correcting herself. One of his men and Integra questions why Anderson would go out of his way to save her to begin with. Anderson claims that he is a man of God, virtue, and disobeying Maxwell when it suited him, and he'd be none of these had he left her to die. Integra expresses shock that he himself disobeys his master whenever he pleases, noting the similarity to Alucard.
A few miles away from Hellsing Headquarters, a zepplin headed by Zorin Blitz approaches with the initial priority of surveying their forces. Zorin, however, goes against the Major's orders and orders her crew to prepare for battle. Though the captain objects, she is determined to see through the war that she had been waiting for for over fifty years and had the firepower to do so. Zorin orders her crew to launch V-1's, which they comply with. Not so long after, however, they are immediately shot down. The crew informs Zorin of sniper fire, which is coming from none other than the Police Girl, armed with massive cannons and missile launchers.
Pip contacts the Police Girl during this, referring her to "Ma Cher" (French for "my dear"), and chooses to spend what little time they have left to get to know one another. Police Girl chooses not to tell him of her personal life, fibbing that she grew up in Leeds where nothing happened. Pip mentions his personal life, growing up in the French countryside with his grandfather, who was also a mercenary. He was bullied at school for this fact, to the point his grandfather ordered him to pull a prank on his friends by hiding a grenade in another student's lunchbox. Police Girl was taken aback by this, though Pip mentioned it was only a flash bang.
Returning to the situation at hand, the Police Girl attacks Zorin's zeppelin, piercing the exterior armor and destroying two engines. The captain warns her of the damage being done, as Zorin orders her crew to ram it into the Hellsing building. Police Girl, on Pip's approval, fires two rockets, which destroy Zorin's airship a few kilometers away. Pip notes "that is how the cookie fumbles" before being corrupted by Police Girl as "crumbles". However, Zorin and most of her soldiers survived the crash-landing and prepare to attack the base.
Pip instructs his men to make the enemy look inviting and then kill them when they get too comfortable, using many sexual innuendos. Police Girl asks to hold her position, but Pip tells her she had done enough and the Flying Geese would take care of it. The Nazis jolt through the fields, but many are killed by landmines planted by the Geese, which shocked even the Police Girl ("we walk our dogs out there!"). Most Nazis that are left hold their position and prepare to pull back, but they are killed by the Flying Geese from far away. Pip is calm and disappointed by the lack of a challenge from the Nazis. One of his men, Willingham, states his disapproval of calmness and informs him of a giant woman outside.
To everyone's shock, Zorin Blitz had grown to the size of a giant and attacks the base, causing collateral damage and massive injuries to the Flying Geese. Pip muses about going back to the war in the Middle East, as the Police Girl falls down in panic and accepts her fate. Just then, Alucard appears in a telepathic message to her. He tells her that he was in the middle of the ocean, and warned her that the giant Zorin wasn't real. Alucard tells her to whip out "her third eye" and rely on vampire instincts. Police Girl has trouble interpreting this until Alucard (in an irritated tone) tells her just to go cross-eyed. Following her master's instructions, she finds out that it was an illusion and the soldiers were hallucinating. Police Girl picks up a sniper rifleand shoots Zorin from far off, hitting her cheek and ending the illusion.
As the soldiers recompose themselves (and Police Girl tells Pip she doesn't wear a bra when asked if she wears push-up bras), some Nazis enter the building, having evaded the landmines, and kill a few soldiers before being killed by the Police Girl after a misinterpreted pun ("eat schnitzel in hell!", which Pip muses is "snitzel in hell"). After a minute of the Flying Geese throwing out jokes and Police Girl failing to make another good one, Pip informs her and his men of the dire situation, which the Police Girl is left to take on herself. Police Girl leaves, commenting "I can't believe I find you attractive", to Pip's own shock.
Outside of London, Enrico Maxwell awakens after falling asleep through some of Millenium's assault. A young priest informs him that the United States is imploding, with the White House being burned down, though curiously enough, Millennium had nothing to do with it. Maxwell asks if the Papal Knights had arrived, but is frustrated to hear that they were unable to be conscribed into Iscariot's efforts. Instead, they had five orders being represented by Italy, Mexico, Poland (who were actually Jewish, but sided with Iscariot in order to kill Nazis), Canada (through the Salvation Army), and the Ku Klux Klan (the last of which Maxwell was indifferent about). Maxwell informs his followers of his crusade against humanity, through his opposition of Pope Francis for endorsing the poor and homosexuals, replacing the golden throne with a normal chair, and renouncing the Old Testament as folk lore. Maxwell announces himself as the new Pope and prepares his assault on London. As he is cut off by the KKK Leader's racist remark, Maxwell says: "Okay, you need to CHILL!"
"A Scythe For Sore Eyes" Edit
Two Nazis, feasting on the corpses of Pip's men, discuss whether or not they're bad people (although Greubar admits that they already tipped that proverbial Jenga tower by being Nazis in the first place, and it being "a matter of perspective, really") only to be blasted to pieces by Seras, whose one liner fails to amuse the Nazi on the floor beneath her, who she promptly kills.
Meanwhile, hiding out in one of the conference rooms, Pip demands a status report from B Team, though by this point only one of them, Miller, is still alive, cornered in the HR Department by an overwhelming number of Nazi ghouls and facing grim odds. Pip's failure to use the appropriate cliches (either telling Miller to fight through or fall back) by simply telling Miller that it was "an honour to serve with him" convinces a disappointed Miller to charge headfirst into the pack only to fall victim to Zorin's illusion powers. He hallucinates a brightly coloured and very clean room where a little girl, claiming to be his daughter, greets him. The illusion seemingly fails when Miller first states he had a vasectomy after his high school graduation, then when she claims to be his niece, says he was an only child. The girl then turns into Sonic the Hedgehog...with a foot long erection, which finally gets to Miller, rendering him vulnerable to Zorin's scythe, although she's a little confused as to why it took an illusion of Sonic with an erection to do it. "It's a matter of perspective, really," as one of her men puts it.
The Wild Geese are growing increasingly scared, with one merc, Jaffe, wishing Alucard were there to save the day, as at least things were far funnier with him around, and that they couldn't hold a candle to him. Pip harshly scolds him for his mindless wimpy fanboyism and tells them that, since Alucard is still in the middle of the ocean and probably won't be back for a while, the only hope they have is to wait for Seras to show up before the barricade is destroyed and Jaffe, among others, is turned into "the world's whiniest Lunchable."
Seras, for her part, has just finished processing Human Resources, remarking on how poor a job they did handling the sexual harrassment she had to deal with in the past (ironically, Integra proved to be the worst offender as opposed to Alucard.)
As Pip and his right hand man, Willingham, discuss their worsening situation, Pip jinxes things by hoping the Nazis are out of rockets. The Nazis prove to have an abundance of them, as Zorin gives the go-ahead to unload one, killing even more of the Geese and even stabbing a bit of wood through Pip's gut. Pip orders Willingham to take care of it, only to see that the latter has been literally torn in half by the rocket. As Willingham dies, he curses Pip's inability to pick the Geese's contracts competently. Pip bids farewell to his friend and brother by whispering "Goodbye, my favourite asshole..." in French. Tony and Andy, two of the Geese, appeal to God for help as the Panzerfaust Nazi prepares another volley. Embarrassingly, his Panzerfaust jams, and Seras springs to the rescue, blasting his head off.
Zorin is amused by Seras' entrance and, after Seras demands she use her real name, Zorin decides she wants to learn more about the Police Girl and probes her mind, starting with the day Seras applied for a job as a cop due to her parents' murder, then moving to a time at the orphanage where Seras was scolded by the headmaster for assaulting a boy, to which Seras responded with a vulgar threat against the headmaster's mother. After Zorin briefly watches a...contextless flashback of Integra feeding Seras her blood, she finally sees what exactly happened to Seras' parents: murdered by a pair of surprisingly affable robbers, Sigmund and Freud. The flashback ends as Sigmund disables Seras with a gutshot (while taking responsibility for failing to perform a 5-point room scan for anyone in hiding) and Freud prepares to rape the corpse of Seras' mother.
With Seras rendered helpless by horrid memories, Zorin slices off her arm, stabs through her gut and gouges her eyes out, chastising her for not even being a proper vampire, just Alucard's pet, but then again, as the running gag says, "It's a matter of perspective, really." However, Pip manages to blast Zorin away and grab Seras while the German monster is downed. Pip, gut wound and all, is forced to carry Seras while Jaffe and another merc scan the room for further threats, with Pip cursing his being "girt by idiots."
An angered Zorin impales Pip from behind, as she wasn't done playing with the Police Girl yet. A blinded Seras crawls over to a dying Pip, and the two share a final, rather bloody kiss before Pip finally expires. Completely helpless, Seras calls to Alucard for help.
In a telepathic conversation, Seras complains that she's failed to do anything right, which Alucard interprets as her blaming him for everything like everyone does (including eating the last Spotted Dick pudding, destroying Britain's first Dairy Queen, and starting World War 1 by killing Archduke Ferdinand and freaming Gavrilo Princip for it.) Unable to take Seras' sobbing, Alucard shouts to her that she underestimates herself and still has the will to live, unlike him, and if she's going to make right, she's going to contrfront her true nature, embrace it, and "go for its fucking throw, LIKE A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!" Back at Hellsing HQ, Seras bites into the dead Pip's neck, drinking his blood, regaining her eyesight and healing all the damage Zorin did to her, even growing a new spectral arm in the process. When Zorin demands to know how Seras got her eyes back, Seras replies just her master did to Anderson back in episode 1:
"Fuck you, that's how."
Unleashing her true power, Seras tears Zorin's men apart and Zorin can only wonder why nobody did any proper recon on Seras... before remembering that was the exact order the Major gave her, the same order she defied. She tries to punch Seras, who just bites her hand off before grabbing Zorin's head and grinding her face into red paste along the mansion's walls, demanding Zorin say her real name, which a dying Zorin finally does in complete shock, before getting slammed to the ground and dying in blue hellfire. Seras leaves Zorin's remains behind, giving her one final one liner:
"And don't you fucking forget it!"
This depiction of Alucard is as cocky and egotistical as his original counterpart, but unlike the original, he is sarcastic, rude, rebellious and perverted, often disrespecting or mocking his enemies in a very vulgar fashion. For example, before he killed Edward in Episode One, he said, "A real fucking vampire," after Edward asked, "Who is it?". Another example is shown during his conversation with Luke Valentine in episode 2, where he states the latter was "sucking my [Alucard's] dick" and "trying to impress me [Alucard] like I'm his [Luke's] alcoholic father." Also, unlike the original Alucard, this version often disrespects Sir Integra and disobeys her orders constantly, even calling her names such as "bitch" and "skank" on several occasions, going to Brazil when specifically told not to and even going far as to tip all of the paintings in the hallway sideways simply to annoy her. He also claims that he only saved Seras from death because she has "nice tits". He is also shown to be quite immature, as he seems to act as if he's a disobedient teenager and when Integra stated he had a mission in Ireland, he says "I've never hunted a Leprechaun before." and wonders if the Leprechaun would explode Lucky Charms if he shot it. He enjoys watching cartoons (Adventure Time being one of them). Alucard appears to be a misanthrope, as he states that he hates everyone equally. The only people he is shown to be respectful (or at least friendly) towards is Walter and the Queen of England (who is still attracted to him). Alucard is also seen as being very devious and takes great pleasure in causing mischief. In episode 2, Integra went over all of his antics, such as countless acts of property damage, noise complaints, murder of innocent civilians & sexual harassment. He, however, refuses to apologize for these actions.
This version of Seras Victoria is not much different than her Anime self, although she is shown to be quite sarcastic and easily frustrated. She is also shown to lose control to her Vampire instincts easier than her Anime counterpart, an example of such being present in Episode One, where she snaps after shooting one Ghoul in the head ("Oh, fuck-the-hell YES!"). This suggests that has made no attempts to resist her vampire urges, in contrast to the manga and OVAs. Alucard in the Abridged Series only changed Seras (or at least that's what he claims) into a vampire because "you've (Seras) got nice tits." She is also never referred to by name, and is always called "Police Girl".
As with Seras, this Integra is not much different than the original, but it is seen that she is heavily frustrated by Alucard's often childish behavior & insubordination. In Episode Two, she is forced to bribe him into staying in the basement during her meeting with their budget commitee by giving him and Seras new guns while also giving Alucard a 70-inch plasma TV with Netflix. She later calls him a 'total ass' after he rudely (calling her a "total bitch") denies helping her and the commitee by reminding her that he was bribed into staying in the basement and also stating that he was busy watching Adventure Time on Netflix. She also seems to be somewhat of a mother figure, having to go behind and (at least try) to clean up after whatever "mess" Alucard has created.
The abridged version of Alexander Anderson is vastly different than his Anime counterpart. Like the original, he is a devoted servant of God. Unlike the original, he is shown to be borderline (if not completely) insane, and relishes killing both Vampires and Protestants. His original Scottish accent in the anime is also replaced with an Irish accent in the abridged version.
He also states his favorite cereal is Frankenberries. According to Alucard, he uses lines from Boondock Saints in his speeches and must therefore watch the film "religiously." He often calls people 'heathens' and apparently likes calling people 'crazy Protestant bastards', as he called Integra this twice. Like Alucard, Anderson also has immaturity, wondering if Leprechauns are filled with Lucky Charms and would spill them if he'd cut one with his bayonets. He appears in Episode 3 and 4 alongside Maxwell.
In Episode 5, Anderson appears and actually rescues Integra from the Nazis, as in the original OVA. however, unlike the OVA, he appears to be in command of Iscariot's operation, and refers to his assistants Heinkel and Yumie as an "Axis of Righteousness" (save the necessity of an Italian member, and referencing the WWII Alliance of Germany, Italy and Japan, the "Axis powers."
He also expresses a newfound lust for Integra, finally understanding Alucard's own lust for her after seeing her fearlessly take on the horde of gun-armed Nazi vampires with just a sword. "I'd like to plant a few flowers in that ["Virgin soil"] myself!"
he finally confirms his love of killing when he and the Iscariot members express their purpose and mission as they engage the Nazis, concluding their statement as to why they must kill the enemies of the church with "Because it's Fucking FUN!"
Luke has a rather small role in this series, appearing only twice before his fight with Alucard. His personality is mostly unaltered from the original. The first time, he is shown talking to Jan, listening to him complain about how a 'hooker OD'd on heroin while blowing him (Jan)', which prompted Luke to state that he doesn't like discussing his ex-girlfriend with Jan. He is later seen killing some guards that were standing outside the secret passage leading into Alucard's chamber. After a brief phone conversation with Jan, which ended with Jan saying he was going to 'skull fuck' his ghouls, Luke jokingly states that "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family". Luke then destroys Alucard's television, which enrages him. In the brief conversation with Alucard before their fight, Luke is humiliated by him several times and, before he is devoured by Alucard, is only able to say "What the fuck?!" due to his extreme fear.
This version of Jan is actually even more vulgar than his OVA counterpart. For example, instead of telling Integra and the committee that he was coming by announcing it himself over the microphone, he has a terrified worker do it for him by reading what he wanted to be said off of a slip of paper, after shooting him in his testicle. He then kills the worker and laughs loudly. Like his counterpart, this Jan often makes crude sexual comments, however making the context lewder and outright vile, such as saying that his Ghouls armor was 'half as thick as his dick' and that Walter would need at least an anti-tank rifle to pierce it. After being defeated by Integra and the committee, he witnesses Seras kill his remaining Ghouls, which prompts him to say "Well... least I'm gonna die with a raging boner".
Walter C. DornezEdit
This Walter is exactly like the original, with the only differences being the dialogue. In Episode One, he has a brief role, appearing once to inform Integra of Alexander Anderson, to which she replies, "oh fuck all kinds of duck." He has a larger role in Episode Two, as he participated in the battle against Jan and his Ghouls. So far, he is the only one in the series to whom Alucard does not talk insultingly. Unlike his original counterpart, Walter apparently enjoys watching Basketball, as he thought he heard the NBA team "Miami Heat" when hearing about Nazis from Jan Valentine.
Edward and BellaEdit
Appearing in the beginning of Episode One, Edward is killed by Alucard and Bella is killed by Seras. Instead of this being their mission, Alucard states that he and Seras were simply taking a walk and happened to walk by the house their victims were in. This is supposed to be based off a grim, black version Twilight until Alucard breaks in, shoots Edward "37" times with his .454 Casull Auto and stabs him with his hand, thus making him explode and turn into a blood cross (crucifix). Alucard then quotes that he is "a real fucking vampire".
Edward and Bella are obvious allusions to the characters of the same name from the Twilight series of novels by Stephenie Meyer.
The Major appears briefly at the end of Episode One, talking to his Nazi followers. He doesn't appear to be much different than the original, other than his accent being slightly thicker. In Episode 3, he reveals that he meant for Alucard to discover their existence and that he didn't care for Alahambra to live anyways, as he already has a ridiculously planned contingency for Hellsing's plans against them.
in Episode 4, the Major makes his speech about his love of war, as in the OVA. however, he is more roundabout about it, stating his love of such wars as "class war," "Drug War" "Race War" "Flame War" and "Storage Wars" (all in the context of an ordinary middle-class worker's daily routine) and states that he wants a "simple, ordinary war" none of the above mentioned types "and CERTAINLY no COLD WARS! blueballed for forty years...." he then climaxes his statement with his desire for a war only Millennium can bring, "a true war. a GERMAN war! the Sequel you've all been waiting for. I want WORLD WAR THREE!!" to which his men all give the Nazi Salute and shout "Sieg Heil!"
the Major's presence is felt most in Episode 5, where the Millennium forces finally begin their assault on London. He opens the assault with a briefing about the targets in London that are to be destroyed. when one of his subordinates mentions the Holocaust museum, he actually says to leave it alone, stating "no one will deny what we did." when London bridge is mentioned by a gleeful officer, the Major sighs, annoyed and says "ja, ja, we all know the song, look, you be the one to burn it down you can go ahead and sing it, i don't care."
as London is in flames, the Major gives Zorin Blitz her orders regarding her recon of Hellsing manor, and subsequently calms her rage at realizing she is not being ordered to attack.
finally, he encounters Walter after he leaves Sir Integra to engage the Captain, commenting that while Millennium and its members are as young and youthful as ever despite the 50+ years since the war, Walter has "aged like Milk" but he is still happy to see the Butler.
the Captain, like in the OVA, is a Silent giant, and like the OVA does little before the London assault. as in the OVA, he leaps from the Deus Ex Machina to engage Walter below.
The doctor is again not fully changed from the other Hellsing series. Still holding the same personality & behavior as before.
"Was that boy/girl bugging you?" - Alucard
"Ohh look he was self cleaning, and/or magical." -Alucard
"... Ve vould make beautiful children." -Schrodinger, to Seras, before getting shot in the mouth by Alucard
Tubalcain "Dandy Man" AlhambraEdit
"You've activated my trap card!" -Alhambra
"Vá lamber o cu da sua mãe. It means go suck your mother's cu-" -Episode 4 Intro
" ...Contain... the calamity... that is your mammaries." -The Major, after Zorin's rage-filled "NooooOOOOoooo!!!!!!!!!"
He is unaltered compared to the original series.
"That fithy, slimy, arrogant, Italian PIECE OF SH-!!!" -Integra
Father O'Malley'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (Who is also Italian)Edit
This character is possibly Father Renaldo.
Rip Van WinkleEdit
Rip Van Winkle appears in Episode Four, where her relevance to the plot is similar to the original series. She also serves as a parody of various internet subcultures most associated with the website Tumblr. Besides overusing popular memes (to the exasperation of her men, who see her as desperate for attention) and fandom jokes, she uses phrases associated with social justice communities (most notably urging the captain to "check [his] privilege," in response to his sexist language), which the title of the episode ("trigger warning") also alludes to. She is initially terrified of Alucard, though she both underestimates him and judgmentally calls him a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig." Alucard responds by pointing out that none of those labels apply to him ("My boss is a woman, I was a chick in the 40's, I hate everyone equally, and there's no one alive who can comprehend my sexual preferences"), tells her to check her own privilege, and then kills her (ironically). *CHE-CHE-CHE-CHECK YOUR PRIVELEGES!!! -Alucard*
=Front Desk GuyEdit
Appears in Episode Two, telling Integra about the oncoming threat of Ghouls. This doesn't even faze him until he is about to be killed by said Ghouls, which makes him yell "Oh my, God!"
Terrified Communications WorkerEdit
Also apearing in Episode Two, he tearily reads Jan's handwritten dialogue paper before being killed by Jan. Apparently, in order to get him to comply, Jan shot one of his testicles. He's also apparently ginger.
Both killed by Anderson in Episode One, before any lines were said.
Appears in Episode 4. The Queen of England possesses the same role as she did in the OVA, being a friend of Alucard's from the past (based on their conversation, even having a sexual relationship). Unlike the original, she appears to be a sadist, as she asked both Alucard and Integra that when they kill the Major, that they record it so that she can go to sleep to it every night. Like in the OVA, she dislikes being old, but Alucard says she he'll still "wreck her like Diana." One of the members of the council pointed out that when in the 1940's, Alucard was female, implying that the Queen is at least bisexual, since Alucard and the Queen would have shared a lesbian relationship.
Episode 1: Psych, Hitler! Edit
- The very start of the episode begins with a scene from the anime "One Piece". This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the series, and was originally meant to fool a live audience at Youmacon 2010 into thinking that TeamFourStar were starting a One Piece Abridged Series.
- The series starts with a vampire couple kissing. The female vampire is called "Bella" and the male is called "Edward". This is a reference to the Twilight series of books written by Stephenie Meyer.
- When Alucard shoots Seras Victoria through the heart to kill the vampire priest, part of the song "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi is played.
- On the first episode, Alucard equates his situation to House of the Dead, except, "a hundred times more awesome."
- Alexander Anderson quotes Boondock Saints, twice, which Alucard calls out as being such.
- After Alucard's head is cut off, Eddie Riggs' (Voiced by Jack Black in the video game, Brutal Legend) voice can be heard screming "Decapitation!"
- Both Frankenberry and Count Chocula are mentioned in the first episode by Alexander and Alucard, stating that they're their favorite cereals respectively.
- Instead of reciting passages from the Holy Bible while chasing Seras, Anderson recites a slightly altered version of the chorus of "Written in My Face" by Jim Johnston and Sean Jenness.
Episode 2: Bullet From Your Valentine Edit
- At the start of the second episode, Integra asks Alucard how his mission in Japan was, which he replies to by saying that it was 99.9% done. This would imply that Alucard is responsible for the zombie outbreak in the manga/anime Highschool of the Dead.
- When Integra mentions Alucard killing "at least a dozen innocent people," Alucard responds by stating that Anthony Hopkins got away with the same thing and won an Oscar for it, possibly referencing his role in Silence of the Lambs as Hannibal Lecter.
- Dairy Queen is mentioned in a list of Alucard's damages.
- Alucard watches Adventure Time on Netflix.
- When Luke Valentine confronts Alucard, the latter states "And I'm Carmen Sandiego, guess where I am!", a reference to the Carmen Sandiego franchise.
- When Seras is ripping through ghouls, Rob Zombies Dragula is playing.
- Alucard references Stinkmeaner from The Boondocks when he overpowers Luke, saying, "You were talking all that good shit a second ago"
- On speaker phone, as Alucard is eviscerating Luke, he narrates as if he is hosting Epic Meal Time.
- Jan references different names of famous fictional butlers when talking to Walter.
- The Colossus battle theme from God of War II OST plays while Alucard fights against Luke.
- At the beginning of the third episode, Alucard answers the original Van Hellsing's accusations by with "The Aristocrats" an old joke where performers would do horrible things in front of an audience and then turn to them and say the aristocrats.
Episode 3: The Crimson Fuckr Edit
- On the third episode, Alucard says "Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?" Which could be a reference to Stand by Me in which Vern Tessio asks a similar question.
- Enrico Maxwell, during his exchange with Integra, states that Integra's church has had no problems exploiting Rupert Murdoch.
- The song "I Know You Want Me" by Pitbull plays while Alucard, Pip and Seras are travelling to Brazil.
- Alucard hypnotizes a hotel attendant and makes him say that White Chicks was amazing.
- Alucard also hypnotizes the attendant into saying that Chevy Chase is an asshole.
- A news reporter says Alucard looks like Ozzy Osbourne.
- Alucard screams "Hit me with your best shot!" which is a line and the title of a song by Pat Benatar.
- Both Tubalcain "The Dandy Man" Alhambra and Alucard make references to Yu-Gi-Oh!, stating, "You activated my trap card." and "You activated my Alu-Card." (A pun on the former) respectively.
- When the "French Man" kills the people in the tent, screams from team fortress 2 can be heard.
- When Integra visits @TheCrimsonFuckr, in similar to TheCrimsonFucker, Crispin Freeman and Patrick Seitz are shown who are the voice actors of Alucard and Luke Valentine respectively.
Episode 4: Trigger Warning Edit
- As Alucard, Seras and Pip open the doors to their meeting with the queen, the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks is played.
- Alucard calls the queen "Betty", which is most likely a nickname to Queen Elizabeth. He also references Princess Diana.
- The march that plays when The Major finally appears on-screen is the Prussian Königgrätzer Marsch.
- Rip Van Winkle writes "The cake is a lie" on the ship instead of a swastika cross. This is a reference to the video game Portal.
- Rip Van Winkle sings "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.
- While Van Winkle is singing, a Nazi soldier on the bridge comments that the last song was "about the ponies and the friendship and the wrapping of the winter", a reference to the song "Winter Wrap Up" from the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
- The song "Shoot To Thrill" by AC/DC is played while Alucard attacks the ship taken over by Millennium.
- The Social Network's version of the song "In The Hall of the Mountain King" is played when Alucard kills Rip Van Winkle.
- Gustav Holst's "Mars the Bringer of War" is played after the Major's "I Love War" speech.
Episode 5: Lay Back and Think of Oblivion Edit
- The song "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by 'The Clash' is played at the start of the fifth episode.
- The Doctor says that the first two pages of the Millenium guide book contains thoughts from the American actor and producer Nicolas Cage. this is a reference to Cage's role as an Arms Dealer in the film Lord of War.
- Multiple references to the English nursery rhyme "London Bridge is Falling Down" are made.
- When a Nazi Soldier asks if they should also destroy the Holocaust Museum, The Major says "leave that be no one will deny what we did" a reference to the Holocaust and potentially a reference to Holocaust deniers.
- The Major chooses the song "War" by Edwin Starr to play while Millenium forces attack London.
- The British band Judas Priest is referenced by Millenium soldiers when Anderson appears.
- "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" by Dropkick Murphys starts playing at the end.
- It is suggested that Alucard was the accidental cause of the zombie infestation in Highschool of the Dead. Canonically, the cause of the outbreak is still unknown.
- Alucard kills the Cheddar Priest because he happened to be walking by.
- Alucard only changed Seras Victoria into a vampire because of her breasts, which are enormous.
- Integra states that someone must go through ten steps to kill Alucard, the first of which is decapitation.
- Alucard often bluntly disrespects everybody.
- Sir Integra gets dizzy if all the pictures in a hallway are tilted.
- Seras suffers from both Pteromerhanophobia and claustrophobia: a fear of flying and tight spaces respectively.
- Alucard often makes derogatory remarks to the Catholic religion, stating "it reeks of hypocrisy in here" when Anderson first arrives, as well as making several Catholic Priest pedophile jokes, such as "the nearest elementary school is ten kilometers away."
- Alucard also calls Tubalcain Alhambra (The Dandy Man) "Dandy Dick" briefly after he misses an attack.
- Unlike in the OVA and manga, Alhambra's nationality is guessed at by The Major, who calls him "a Brazilian dog". This is erroneous, due to the usage of Spanish instead of Brazil's native Portuguese. Of course, this could be due to Antfish's possible lack of knowledge of Portuguese, but nothing to fault him over.
- The queen is nicknamed "Betty", as in Elizabeth II by Alucard. In the original series, the queen never gets named.
- The Queen most likely spent time with Alucard when he was a woman (Girlycard) by the time line given.
- Alucard and Anderson did find a leprechaun together and learned that leprechauns actually bleed Boo Berry.
- Unlike in the original OVA, Maxwell does not show any pride in assisting the Nazis in the past, and infact seems to be ashamed of himself for it, as his only response to the major's reminiscence is a solemn, deadpan "Yes."
- Britain does not actually have the Dairy Queen restaurant chain, though at one con, it was accepted that Alucard flew Integra's father's car all the way to the US just to crash one into it. Despite this, Episode 7 has Alucard claim he did indeed destroy "the world's first British Dairy Queen."
- Some of Pip's men are named after the voice actors who portrayed them in the OVA's English Dub (among them include "Willingham", named after Travis Willingham, "Mercer" as in Matthew Mercer and "Sam" as in Sam Riegel.) Jaffe from Episode 7 gets his name from English dub voice director Taliesin Jaffe, who was also a fan of the Abridged seres.